The Pit of Despair and the Precious Stone that waits Above
Even if I say I won't go into depression anymore... It feels like it comes to me in any form at any time possible.
Perhaps it's not depression, perhaps I'm just sad. Perhaps I'm just feeling down (isn't that depressed?), perhaps I'm just wallowing in self pity.
Then again... How do I know which is which? No one's ever taught me to identify them before.
Perhaps she thinks of depression in a more advanced and worsened state of...
I don't know. Maybe what I'm really feeling is self-pity, but I identify it as depression. Maybe depression for her is something much much bigger.
Either ways, I'm feeling rather depressed today.
Because despite feeling sad and dejected, having little time for herself, panicking over singing solo at a press conference in 4 days time,
she is still able to summon up her faith to lead her back to God, and leave it all unto Him as He takes away her burdens and lifts her saddened mood. She is able to look to Him for support, and GET that support through her own faith.
Through her own faith.
I feel like I'm halfway round the world from her now. She has such strong faith. While it may falter from time to time as most humans would, she still has enough to bring herself back onto His path and call for help. To seek Him and find rest in Him.
Why can't I do that...?
Why am I... Always relying on my own strength to get myself out of situations? Why am I always thinking of the next step to move, try to take that step, fail and start back at square 1, over and over again? Why am I always relying on my own self to sort out my problems?
I feel that if I even want to DARE to THINK about the possibilities in the future (sorry Sylkis, but this will always be on my mind somewhere deep inside), I need to AT LEAST get on par with her in my spiritual walk with Him. I need to be AT LEAST at the position she stands in her faith. So that should she falter, I can help. I won't be a hapless tadpole that can only swim and watch without a body big enough to help, without arms and legs to support. I WANT to be able to support her. That is the ONLY way I understand for a person to even THINK about being in a relationship. If they can't be there to support and to help, what's the point of being in that relationship? I would only be weighing her down, slowing her growth and her walk. Impairing her is the LAST thing I'd want to do.
But even if I say all that... I don't know HOW to. How? How do I increase my faith? How do I get out of this mundane thing about relying on my own strength and understanding? True it has brought me this far in life with many hard problems solved. But I cannot deny that somewhere inside I feel that somehow God has always lent a helping hand, even if only a little. I always feel that He has always looked out for me, providing me instantly with a window everytime a door is closed. It was my job to look for that window and climb through yes, that would be where my own strength comes in. But without Him, I would've never gotten past that first locked door. Even if I smashed at it will everything I had, I wouldn't have been able to.
People call it fate, some call it making your own luck. Some call it going with the flow, others just call it plain luck, not made ones.
I call it God's intervention.
Yet even with all that, I find it hard to acknowledge Him being the one who pulled the strings to my successes in past events. I know it was Him, yet I don't UNDERSTAND that it's Him. I believe it's Him because I'm loyal to my beliefs, therefore it HAS to be Him. Yet I don't believe it's Him enough to truly have FAITH that it's Him, that if I ask again He will deliver.
Yet, I always ask for help in matters, hoping that He will help. Afterwhich, I seem to forget whether He has helped me or not. If I remember, I thank Him, and get on with life. My faith somehow isn't moved by it. I don't understand why.
I want to feel a PASSION to want to know more about him. I want a BURNING DESIRE to seek Him more, to learn to love Him. At this moment I only want to learn to love Him because I believe it's the best course of action. A part of me is still clinging onto the things I've learnt and the abilities and experiences I've gained in 'relying on myself', therefore having the possibility of pulling me back from really giving my whole to Him.
I don't dare let that part go. I don't dare to surrender practically everything. Besides being impractical in this world, it's also... Something I'm not sure how to do. I think so much to find answers to questions that may impair people's faith in Christianity or to answer those hard-to-answer questions that people pop up. I've so far been able to answer most of them, because I've given them lots of thought beforehand. Is that part of God's work in my life? I don't know, other than given a brain that twists to think that way.
So what's this post about anyway?
I don't know if I can ever get out of this pit. I've been stuck here for a long time. I probably should get rid of things that may or may not hinder my growth like going for Healing and Deliverance for that hatred thing I have. I also have a tendency to look down on people who have lower thinking capabilities (ie. lower IQ or to put it simple, plain stupid and blurr). Where's the humility in that? Where's the love? I've always been outcasted by peers my whole life. The only time I was accepted was by the Performing Arts Ministry (that's why I feel so at home with them), Operafest Children's Choir (even though they sometimes had different groups in them and I was mostly not in any of them), The Canticle Singers (I think it's because I was recognized as a strong Choir singer and the youngest and most annoying of the group yet most energetic and 'innocent to adulthood'? I tend to stay away from politics, so everyone likes me most of the time ^^;; ), and... Yeah that's it. Even in Comic Fiesta, I'm a social outcast. I only stick with some friends who've now become close friends. I guess you could say we're now a social group. But we don't really go out together or do anything together much, just friday night dota sessions, sometimes we crash their place, and that's it.
I guess I should be thankful I even have such friends. Perhaps it's because of these things that I realise just how important friendships are. And also the little things that people do that can make a person like or hate you. And Sylkis, that's what all those 'idle chats' were for: to get to know you better, and to hopefully make you feel more at ease with me. Sorry if they annoyed you more than anything else.
Well... To sum it up, I admire her faith. I look up to her as a rolemodel. It feels wrong if I want to be her... Special someone, but it's probably the only way I can force myself to break this cage and start growing once more. I mean, my mom's probably got stronger faith than I do now. Submitting myself to the Performing Arts Department isn't working as I hoped it would. I seem to start questioning the validity of some people holding specific roles, and the quality bar that seems to be kept so low. I expect a well done high quality performance, and when it comes out lousy with soloists whom I tend to feel should practice more or put a replacement instead, I feel horribly annoyed. Annoyed because I KNOW it can be better. I put my time and devotion to the choir, yet other people don't seem to put that 100% into it. 100% because that's the maximum a person can give. People usually give 50% or less, and they say they're giving it their all. In truth, 110% is just to make people think they're already doing their best, when they're not. There's always room to improve, and that means that 100% is not reached until all their energy and focus is put into trying to improve. When that happens, whether improvement is reached or not, 100% EFFORT is reached.
But because of that, I start to think that I can do better. I try to push it away from my head and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. In the end, I just blank out my mind and let my body move as it has remembered. Perhaps that's why my performances have always been of mediocre quality - I don't put my mind into it for fear of thinking too much.
Then again, this is all just speculation. I'm not even sure if this is what I feel. I hope it is, because it took a long time to type and not finding out what's wrong with me after all that is kinda... sad.
So Sylkis
my kudos to you. I look up to you and respect you. I hope you will teach me what you feel is shareable to the likes of me. Patience, and faith in Him.
God
I ask that You first and foremost will teach me Patience and Faith in You. Loyalty is nothing if there is no Faith.
Teach me to submit myself fully to You. Teach me to rely fully on You for solutions, guidance, and edification.
Teach me to love You.
God bless Jun, Jas, Ivan, Ben, and Sylkis.
And anyone who might've stopped by. I love you guys to bits.
Good night.
Perhaps it's not depression, perhaps I'm just sad. Perhaps I'm just feeling down (isn't that depressed?), perhaps I'm just wallowing in self pity.
Then again... How do I know which is which? No one's ever taught me to identify them before.
Perhaps she thinks of depression in a more advanced and worsened state of...
I don't know. Maybe what I'm really feeling is self-pity, but I identify it as depression. Maybe depression for her is something much much bigger.
Either ways, I'm feeling rather depressed today.
Because despite feeling sad and dejected, having little time for herself, panicking over singing solo at a press conference in 4 days time,
she is still able to summon up her faith to lead her back to God, and leave it all unto Him as He takes away her burdens and lifts her saddened mood. She is able to look to Him for support, and GET that support through her own faith.
Through her own faith.
I feel like I'm halfway round the world from her now. She has such strong faith. While it may falter from time to time as most humans would, she still has enough to bring herself back onto His path and call for help. To seek Him and find rest in Him.
Why can't I do that...?
Why am I... Always relying on my own strength to get myself out of situations? Why am I always thinking of the next step to move, try to take that step, fail and start back at square 1, over and over again? Why am I always relying on my own self to sort out my problems?
I feel that if I even want to DARE to THINK about the possibilities in the future (sorry Sylkis, but this will always be on my mind somewhere deep inside), I need to AT LEAST get on par with her in my spiritual walk with Him. I need to be AT LEAST at the position she stands in her faith. So that should she falter, I can help. I won't be a hapless tadpole that can only swim and watch without a body big enough to help, without arms and legs to support. I WANT to be able to support her. That is the ONLY way I understand for a person to even THINK about being in a relationship. If they can't be there to support and to help, what's the point of being in that relationship? I would only be weighing her down, slowing her growth and her walk. Impairing her is the LAST thing I'd want to do.
But even if I say all that... I don't know HOW to. How? How do I increase my faith? How do I get out of this mundane thing about relying on my own strength and understanding? True it has brought me this far in life with many hard problems solved. But I cannot deny that somewhere inside I feel that somehow God has always lent a helping hand, even if only a little. I always feel that He has always looked out for me, providing me instantly with a window everytime a door is closed. It was my job to look for that window and climb through yes, that would be where my own strength comes in. But without Him, I would've never gotten past that first locked door. Even if I smashed at it will everything I had, I wouldn't have been able to.
People call it fate, some call it making your own luck. Some call it going with the flow, others just call it plain luck, not made ones.
I call it God's intervention.
Yet even with all that, I find it hard to acknowledge Him being the one who pulled the strings to my successes in past events. I know it was Him, yet I don't UNDERSTAND that it's Him. I believe it's Him because I'm loyal to my beliefs, therefore it HAS to be Him. Yet I don't believe it's Him enough to truly have FAITH that it's Him, that if I ask again He will deliver.
Yet, I always ask for help in matters, hoping that He will help. Afterwhich, I seem to forget whether He has helped me or not. If I remember, I thank Him, and get on with life. My faith somehow isn't moved by it. I don't understand why.
I want to feel a PASSION to want to know more about him. I want a BURNING DESIRE to seek Him more, to learn to love Him. At this moment I only want to learn to love Him because I believe it's the best course of action. A part of me is still clinging onto the things I've learnt and the abilities and experiences I've gained in 'relying on myself', therefore having the possibility of pulling me back from really giving my whole to Him.
I don't dare let that part go. I don't dare to surrender practically everything. Besides being impractical in this world, it's also... Something I'm not sure how to do. I think so much to find answers to questions that may impair people's faith in Christianity or to answer those hard-to-answer questions that people pop up. I've so far been able to answer most of them, because I've given them lots of thought beforehand. Is that part of God's work in my life? I don't know, other than given a brain that twists to think that way.
So what's this post about anyway?
I don't know if I can ever get out of this pit. I've been stuck here for a long time. I probably should get rid of things that may or may not hinder my growth like going for Healing and Deliverance for that hatred thing I have. I also have a tendency to look down on people who have lower thinking capabilities (ie. lower IQ or to put it simple, plain stupid and blurr). Where's the humility in that? Where's the love? I've always been outcasted by peers my whole life. The only time I was accepted was by the Performing Arts Ministry (that's why I feel so at home with them), Operafest Children's Choir (even though they sometimes had different groups in them and I was mostly not in any of them), The Canticle Singers (I think it's because I was recognized as a strong Choir singer and the youngest and most annoying of the group yet most energetic and 'innocent to adulthood'? I tend to stay away from politics, so everyone likes me most of the time ^^;; ), and... Yeah that's it. Even in Comic Fiesta, I'm a social outcast. I only stick with some friends who've now become close friends. I guess you could say we're now a social group. But we don't really go out together or do anything together much, just friday night dota sessions, sometimes we crash their place, and that's it.
I guess I should be thankful I even have such friends. Perhaps it's because of these things that I realise just how important friendships are. And also the little things that people do that can make a person like or hate you. And Sylkis, that's what all those 'idle chats' were for: to get to know you better, and to hopefully make you feel more at ease with me. Sorry if they annoyed you more than anything else.
Well... To sum it up, I admire her faith. I look up to her as a rolemodel. It feels wrong if I want to be her... Special someone, but it's probably the only way I can force myself to break this cage and start growing once more. I mean, my mom's probably got stronger faith than I do now. Submitting myself to the Performing Arts Department isn't working as I hoped it would. I seem to start questioning the validity of some people holding specific roles, and the quality bar that seems to be kept so low. I expect a well done high quality performance, and when it comes out lousy with soloists whom I tend to feel should practice more or put a replacement instead, I feel horribly annoyed. Annoyed because I KNOW it can be better. I put my time and devotion to the choir, yet other people don't seem to put that 100% into it. 100% because that's the maximum a person can give. People usually give 50% or less, and they say they're giving it their all. In truth, 110% is just to make people think they're already doing their best, when they're not. There's always room to improve, and that means that 100% is not reached until all their energy and focus is put into trying to improve. When that happens, whether improvement is reached or not, 100% EFFORT is reached.
But because of that, I start to think that I can do better. I try to push it away from my head and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. In the end, I just blank out my mind and let my body move as it has remembered. Perhaps that's why my performances have always been of mediocre quality - I don't put my mind into it for fear of thinking too much.
Then again, this is all just speculation. I'm not even sure if this is what I feel. I hope it is, because it took a long time to type and not finding out what's wrong with me after all that is kinda... sad.
So Sylkis
my kudos to you. I look up to you and respect you. I hope you will teach me what you feel is shareable to the likes of me. Patience, and faith in Him.
God
I ask that You first and foremost will teach me Patience and Faith in You. Loyalty is nothing if there is no Faith.
Teach me to submit myself fully to You. Teach me to rely fully on You for solutions, guidance, and edification.
Teach me to love You.
God bless Jun, Jas, Ivan, Ben, and Sylkis.
And anyone who might've stopped by. I love you guys to bits.
Good night.
posted by Liil Masks at 10:10 am
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