If You Want To, I Could Save You

Never really understood that song.


I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you
And I got swept away

If you want to, I could save you
I could take you away from here
So lonely inside, so busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares



I mean as in I don't really get the coherence there... It was an interesting song though. Liked it for a while (during form 2)


It's here again. I really don't like it. I wanna go out with someone to get rid of it. Strangely enough, going out with people takes it away. Of course I'd like to go out with that special someone, but it's not gonna happen so I shouldn't ask for too much. In fact, anyone would've sufficed today. I was so lonely at home, thinking about what I'm doing here, all alone in the house, playing games to distract my attention, yet it nagged on at the back of my head.

*sigh* Why am I that weak? Why do I need someone to save me? Why do I constantly need someone to save me? Why can't I save myself? Well, I'm sure there are plenty of Christian answers to why I can't save myself. But... Why do I feel so... Empty and lonely?

It feels like up to now, my life hasn't ever been worth living. Now I go to work, do the same thing every day, feel the resentment, walk back feeling tired and wishing someone was there to walk back with me, come back and get on the comp, eat, bathe, finish up on comp and go to bed, and repeat the cycle every day. On thursdays my spirits perk up, knowing I get to go for practice and rekindle my depleting energy. Then I repeat the next day, do nothing on Saturday if nobody wants to go out or I'm broke, go for church and practice on Sunday, hope she smiles at me which would keep me going for the next few days, and hope the energy I absorbed from practice on Sunday lasts me through till Wednesday. The only times I hang out with friends are on Friday nights (spent DotAing with them, been happening a lot recently). Most people have plans on Saturdays (I'm broke this time round), and Sundays are just tiring for me, besides the fact that my only free time is in the afternoon when I usually try to catch a nap.

Being an extrovert sucks at the moment. Drawing energy from friends can be bad when there are no friends around to draw energy from. Considering I never had a peer group I could constantly hang around with, and the fact that 33% of my department doesn't like me while 16% has started to not like me too (that's 2 and 1 people, my department's small :P) doesn't help. I don't get it. More or less everyone else in the company likes me. Just those 3.

Maybe it's true, what I've thought about it. I'm a good friend (if I don't mind saying so which I don't), but I'm a horrible boyfriend and a horrible subordinate. I could point out all my good points to counter these two, but then again I could also point out a lot of things that would support them. I mean, I get them coming out naturally, so yeah.

So... What am I? I can't decide. People say to not care about what other people think about myself, because what I think about myself is most important. But if I don't know the qualifications to be something, then how do I think myself that? For example if I don't know what it takes to be a good roommate, how do I judge myself? If I know my good and bad points, how do I say I'm good at something even though I know so many things about myself that would say I'm not?

You're probably all confused now. Except for Sylkis, she'd probably understand quite easily. After all, she can read me like a book with size 120 fonts. Which is rather scary. It scares me to be read that easily. Up until now, very few people can read me just like that. Save for Jun who has been with me for ages. And Ivan, and Ben. Even Jas doesn't read me that well. At least I don't think so.



I came up with a hypothesis. Maybe I haven't really been saved. Maybe... I'm not truly a Christian.

A Christian is a follower of Christ Jesus.

I don't see how I follow Him. Maybe I try to be a lot of things He is, but I know I don't even bother trying to be some of the things He is. And probably more than half of the things about Him I try to be, I fail miserably.

I don't love God.

I don't know how to love God.

I'm not sure I even know how to love.

God is Love. And I don't know God. Maybe that's why I don't know Love. Well, not to say don't know Him at all. More like, I know who He is, but I don't understand who He is.

I wish there was a pastor I could trust with everything. I wish there was someone I'm accountable to. I wish...

I wish I had a big brother who'd love me. Or a big sister. A big sister would be good, cuz girls are mostly more sensitive, and better with emotional problems. A brother would probably just take me out for food now, and play some games, and come back and sleep.

I think I now understand why TCS's director is so angst and gossipy and complacent. He's not married, and he's well past his 30s, I think. He has no avenue in which to pour out his emotional problems. Therefore it comes out in a different manner.

Now that I put it together, it's not totally impossible that I want a girlfriend just so that I have a place to pour out my emotions, to seek emotional security, to have someone I can depend on to be there when I need them.

I'm a needy person. That's probably it.

*sigh*

Why couldn't I be given an average amount of brain power? Why did I have to be given so much more? While it's a blessing, it's also a curse. More of a curse especially when I can't turn it off when I need to.




God...

Am I really a Christian...?

I don't think I love You... I'm sorry I think that way...

I don't think I understand love either...

I only understand desire...

Though I feel totally different when she's around, like all those experiences amounted to nothing

I'm still unsure if I understand love...

Please teach me...?



God bless my blogreaders, jas jun ivan ben and Sylkis.

Sorry, falling asleep.

Goodnight.