Several Things

Why do I get jealous so easily?

Why am I always desperately seeking for attention and care?

Is it because I'm insecure in certain areas (or every area), that makes me always want to be the center of attention so that...

So that what...?

~~~~~

I am Yours

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the Earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I?
That the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart...

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are~

I am
A flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapour in the wind
Still You
Here me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You told me who I am~
I am Yours~

I am Yours~

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again~

Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out to the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are~

I am
A flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapour in the wind
Still You
Here me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You told me who I am~
I am Yours~

I am Yours~

Whom shall I fear whom shall I fear?
Cuz I am Yours~
I am Yours~

~~~~~~~


Sometimes... No almost every time I hear this song, I feel that it tells so much of how I feel.

So small, so insignificant... Even my disappearance from the world wouldn't change anything. So many people are probably better off without me anyway.

It becomes a habit- to remove yourself out of someone's life. Because you've been hurt by that person, and think they're probably better off without you, and you just leave.


I know it's the telltale signs that this person is insecure. I don't need a psychologist. I know most of all of my psychological problems. (except for those sudden breakdowns... But then again, it's possible that a sudden thought of a deep hurting wound in my subconscience triggers my present emotions to drastically change, hence the sudden random breakdowns. Fortunately it doesn't happen often, so you probably will never see it happening.)

I don't need someone to tell me what's wrong with me.

I need someone to...

To fix it.



I am jealous.

I get jealous so easily.

And I still am jealous.

I've never had... Had someone who would cling to me so dearly before.

Those that I've been with in my past... There were times when they wouldn't want to let me go. But those were during the times.

When the times passed, the very next day or week or even a month later, things go back to the way they were before.

I'm not missed.

At least, I'm not aware that I am.


Then again, there isn't a reason that I would be.


He should treasure her. God works in His own mysterious ways. Those ways could bring them back together. Neither land nor sea, no living entity or non-living can take apart what God has put together.

He probably does treasure her. What am I saying? <.>

If... If that's how things were meant to be...

Who am I to stop it...?

Who am I...?

~~~~~




Recently had a chat with CSY again.


I felt like God had spoken to me through her.

I just wish I had some sort of assurance that it's Him.



We were speaking about Faith. How I saw her as having much more faith than I do, with me having such little faith.

Her question was, how is faith measured?

I explained that there is no true measurement of faith (if you want to see who jumps off the building first and believes that God will send angels to save them... Well don't do it okay? Don't do the test I mean.).

I only saw her as someone with graeter faith than I do because of her lifestyle, because of her 'naive faith', because she's in touch with her spiritual life, walking closely by Him.

Whereas I on the other hand... My lifestyle's a mess, my faith is confined by the case of Possibility and Logic, I'm not in touch with my spiritual life, I don't see myself walking closely by Him.

As the conversation went on, it came to a point of defining faith.

Faith is believing in something so much that no matter what happens, the thing that you have your faith on WILL happen. Believing without seeing. It's like being tied on the road in front of a speeding train, being calm and having faith that you will somehow be saved. And even if things don't work the way you wanted it to, strong faith will help you to accept the situation and believe that God will work His wonders in this way.

And of that, I have little, because... Because I don't know and can't understand His love. I cannot comprehend so many things about Him. Comprehension means a lot to me, because I grew up believing that everything can be explained. And I still do. I just want an explanation for God. I believe in my heart, that everything can be explained, in His favour. I believe that so strongly that my faith will not deter from any hard questions about Christianity and the Bible. I've sought out many hard to answer questions, and have found acceptable (to me) answers along the way. Of course I lack actual substantiation seeing that I only have my memory to help me. But my mouth helps a whole deal too.

And then... She pointed it out.

Isn't that, in its own way, a very strong faith?

I... I was shocked for a moment.

I never thought of it that way.

I had swore that no matter what happened, I would not betray Christianity or Him and enter another religion or non at all. I swore that I would always stay loyal and true to Him, no matter what the consequences.

And to swear alliegence to something, you have to first believe in that something. I believe with all my heart that He exists, and constantly works and models events in His own special ways, constantly believing that no matter WHAT happens, it happens for a purpose, and they ALWAYS serve for the better, be it for us or for the extention of His kingdom (which would mean for the better of someone else).

And no matter what questions came by, no matter how strongly the opposition tries to deter my faith, I would not be thrown off.

Yes I would be shaken, sometimes to a point I have to throw myself to the floor.

But I would never allow anything to push me off my firm foundation.

I believe I'm so strongly rooted that even if the end of days comes tomorrow, I would still be loyal to Him to the very end.


She pointed out, that THAT in its own, is incredibly strong faith.

That my faith is not weak, it's in fact even stronger than most people. Because I don't know enough about my faith, I seek answers to my questions in order to answer other people regarding the same questions. I stand firm on my faith with the knowledge I have and the knowledge I believe I will receive to help fight for His cause. And with that built up, I do not waver easily.

It took me a moment to analyse what she had just said then.

Because... I just never thought about it that way.

I had little faith in the areas of walking side by side with Him and leading my life in Him. I had little intimacy with Him.

But I had faith as strong as a fortress in the areas of knowledge and my personal values and beliefs.



I wasn't weak. I was strong. I AM strong. Stronger than I ever thought.

And from this strength, I would learn to walk intimately with Him.



Thank you, CSY.

~~~~~



When will I get that house? Will I ever get that house?

Will I ever crawl out of this ditch that I keep falling back into over and over again...?

Sometimes I can't forgive myself at night because I feel I lack sincerity.

And Sincerity... Is indeed lacking. In me.

It's all becoming a ritual.

An everyday norm.

Which is really bad.

~~~~~



God...

I'm really sleepy right now... so bless Ivan, Jun, Jas, Benny, and of course, Sylkis.

May those who don't know You find you someday, and may those who know You walk closer with you with every passing day.

Goodnight, world.