Crack
No I'm not on it.
Though there are times when I just wonder what it's like to get on it, to escape the ferocities of everyday life for just that moment.
Then never escape the ferocities of the side-effects that it brings.
Have you ever said something then regretted it after you get a negative answer from the recipient?
I sometimes wonder if my mouth really thinks faster than my brain does.
Then again, yesterday I was hoping for a more... Positive answer.
I had a strange feeling while having lunch yesterday. That would be about 1:15 - 1:30 pm. I just had a weird feeling that someone was having some problems.
The only name that came to my immediate thought was hers.
I was tempted to call her on the spot, asking if she was alright. Then again, I didn't think that she'd like it, (considering my last blogpost, ANYONE even SHE would be turned off, pissed and be on her guard by now) so I didn't. I just quietly hoped that she was alright, that my 'intuition' was off, that what I felt was merely a random feeling that emerged from my subconscious or something.
But I called her anyway. When I was walking home from the LRT station yesterday evening.
She didn't answer. I assumed she was driving, knowing (more like intuitively feeling) that this was the time she'd be driving home. So I left it at that.
Later in the evening, I received an sms from her, apologising for not picking up as she was driving (doh). She asked me what's up.
So I explained that I wanted to ask if she was alright. I felt that she had gone through something stressful yesterday, so I mentioned so and asked if she was okay.
She replied "I'm alive, thanks" (and more stuff that didn't matter like 'see you on Thursday', clearly trying to brush aside the matter).
Then I replied, asking her not to avoid the question, (as being in a coma still merited the status of 'being alive'... lame joke really, but I think it just pissed her off more).
She replied, saying that she didn't need to answer that question. She promptly said goodbye then ('[Name] thx for concern but I don't need to answer that question, goodnight and GodBless') (of course this isn't the real sms, that's just a shortened version, her English is really good).
Well she put a smiley at the end of it, so I hope that means she isn't pissed off about it.
I replied, apologising for trying to prod, and 'take care Godbless goodnight'.
Well there are a few things on my mind right now regarding this:
I probably hit the spot, meaning something did happen yesterday.
Probably something personal, that's why she didn't wanna talk about it
OR
Probably something not so personal, but she wouldn't tell me anyway, thanks to my last blogpost. Heck, I MYSELf wouldn't tell me anything if I were to stalk myself and talk about myself like that. Wait, did that make sense?
Either ways... I should've made PRAYER as my first action, not worrying. I prayed anyway, at night, before I hopped onto bed in my work clothes and fell asleep with the lights on. I prayed that... That whatever she was going through, He would be there to comfort her, to be with her, and to show her the way to go.
Though, I still felt very much inferior in my prayer time. She's much stronger than I am, what would the difference be whether I prayed or not? I know God's always there with her, and she knows that too. Would there be any change if I had not prayed? Would there be a difference if I decided to stop then and there because she was already strong enough to know He's always there for her?
It ran through my mind the entire time. Yet I prayed anyway. Just in case, I said. Just in case.
Yet my tears wouldn't run. My heart felt heavy, yet my eyes didn't water.
Am I losing my emotions...?
Whatever it is... I want you to know, that I was concerned as a friend, nothing more. Right now, I doubt I'm more than an acquaintance to you... So that's fine I guess. Until you're ready to accept me for more than just another person you knew from TCS, I'll be your friend in prayer.
Hey, I may have all those thoughts at the back of my head, but I can still keep a clear mind and act accordingly without having them interfere. My will is stronger than that. ^^
~~~~
You know... I've realised that my painful memories really DO get clogged up in my head. Memories as far back as standard... 5 I think it was. Or was it standard 4.
I had seen some name cards being passed around in class. I liked the idea, so I decided to make some of my own myself. I got my mom to print out my name, address and telephone number on some hard cardboard, cut them up into namecard size, and stamped this MickeyMouse stamp with my name on it on every card. Then I passed them around in class, especially gave a nice one to a girl that I kinda liked.
Then a short while later, the girl with her group of girls (they were all top-scorers in the class, I was one of the two only guys to compete with them, there were about 5 of them) came over to my seat. One of the group had gathered up the cards I gave them, and tore them up in front of me.
...
I remember the resentment I felt in my heart at that time. The girl whom I liked didn't look like she approved of the action much, but this was primary school where peer pressure was everything. I started to really hate that girl who tore up my cards. She had laughed too. Along with another two of the girls, before walking back to their seats.
I didn't understand it. I gave those cards cuz... Well who knows why. I guess I considered them my friends, even though we were always competing for the best marks in class. Then they did that.
And that incident is still in my head. The girl who tore them up is now in Australia. We had some kind of dislike for each other, and I still do. She's always really stuck up and bossy. From the start till the end. Problem is, she was one of my youth church leaders. How she got there, only God knows. And all her other friend leaders too.
Then I remembered a time when I was in my church choir.
Someone spilt a lot of water on the floor. That day, I had brought a bunch of fliers for my first performance with The Canticle Singers. I went out to get some tissues from the washroom.
When I came back, I found my stack of fliers on the puddle, being used to 'dry up' the water.
Even if whoever did it didn't mean it, that was a direct insult to me. And the choir. It's OBVIOUS that paper wouldn't absorb that well, that's why I went to get tissue from the toilet. Why in stupidity's name did he do it?
I was pissed off that day. And disappointed. Horribly disappointed.
Then a whole bunch of memories started to resurface. I had to immediately block my thoughts or I would've started to get really pissed off.
Bah.
Compartmentalizing was it? I had been keeping all those painful memories in myself. I couldn't let go of them. I felt they weren't fair. Why did people have to be such complete idiots and do hurtful things? Why couldn't they be nice? Why couldn't they do nice things instead of doing such horrible things?
Why couldn't they move for the better of mankind, instead of making things worse for people? Is it really that nice to make people feel horrible? You bastards.
You're the reason why Earth is such a horrible place to live in. Your kind are the reason why wars happen.
blah.
I need a psychologist. Or a psychiatrist. Or a witch doctor. which doctor? (hint: pronounce say Witch Doctor out loud, then say Which Doctor out loud).
Either ways... I hope you're alright, Sylkis. He will never abandon you, so look to Him for strength. Even though me saying this is pretty stupid.
God
The endorphins produced from an early workout today weren't enough to keep me in a joyful mood for long. I still feel a little better about myself though. My abdomen hurtz badly now though.
Oh yeah, and take care of Sylkis. I know You will.
God bless Ivan, Jun, Jas, Ben, and Sylkis. Oh yeah, and Yuna too, she's kinda cute. But she doesn't exist, so nvm. Rin's good too. :)
And bless my blogreaders too. Especially Viv. I know she reads this from time to time. :)
Good day.
Though there are times when I just wonder what it's like to get on it, to escape the ferocities of everyday life for just that moment.
Then never escape the ferocities of the side-effects that it brings.
Have you ever said something then regretted it after you get a negative answer from the recipient?
I sometimes wonder if my mouth really thinks faster than my brain does.
Then again, yesterday I was hoping for a more... Positive answer.
I had a strange feeling while having lunch yesterday. That would be about 1:15 - 1:30 pm. I just had a weird feeling that someone was having some problems.
The only name that came to my immediate thought was hers.
I was tempted to call her on the spot, asking if she was alright. Then again, I didn't think that she'd like it, (considering my last blogpost, ANYONE even SHE would be turned off, pissed and be on her guard by now) so I didn't. I just quietly hoped that she was alright, that my 'intuition' was off, that what I felt was merely a random feeling that emerged from my subconscious or something.
But I called her anyway. When I was walking home from the LRT station yesterday evening.
She didn't answer. I assumed she was driving, knowing (more like intuitively feeling) that this was the time she'd be driving home. So I left it at that.
Later in the evening, I received an sms from her, apologising for not picking up as she was driving (doh). She asked me what's up.
So I explained that I wanted to ask if she was alright. I felt that she had gone through something stressful yesterday, so I mentioned so and asked if she was okay.
She replied "I'm alive, thanks" (and more stuff that didn't matter like 'see you on Thursday', clearly trying to brush aside the matter).
Then I replied, asking her not to avoid the question, (as being in a coma still merited the status of 'being alive'... lame joke really, but I think it just pissed her off more).
She replied, saying that she didn't need to answer that question. She promptly said goodbye then ('[Name] thx for concern but I don't need to answer that question, goodnight and GodBless') (of course this isn't the real sms, that's just a shortened version, her English is really good).
Well she put a smiley at the end of it, so I hope that means she isn't pissed off about it.
I replied, apologising for trying to prod, and 'take care Godbless goodnight'.
Well there are a few things on my mind right now regarding this:
I probably hit the spot, meaning something did happen yesterday.
Probably something personal, that's why she didn't wanna talk about it
OR
Probably something not so personal, but she wouldn't tell me anyway, thanks to my last blogpost. Heck, I MYSELf wouldn't tell me anything if I were to stalk myself and talk about myself like that. Wait, did that make sense?
Either ways... I should've made PRAYER as my first action, not worrying. I prayed anyway, at night, before I hopped onto bed in my work clothes and fell asleep with the lights on. I prayed that... That whatever she was going through, He would be there to comfort her, to be with her, and to show her the way to go.
Though, I still felt very much inferior in my prayer time. She's much stronger than I am, what would the difference be whether I prayed or not? I know God's always there with her, and she knows that too. Would there be any change if I had not prayed? Would there be a difference if I decided to stop then and there because she was already strong enough to know He's always there for her?
It ran through my mind the entire time. Yet I prayed anyway. Just in case, I said. Just in case.
Yet my tears wouldn't run. My heart felt heavy, yet my eyes didn't water.
Am I losing my emotions...?
Whatever it is... I want you to know, that I was concerned as a friend, nothing more. Right now, I doubt I'm more than an acquaintance to you... So that's fine I guess. Until you're ready to accept me for more than just another person you knew from TCS, I'll be your friend in prayer.
Hey, I may have all those thoughts at the back of my head, but I can still keep a clear mind and act accordingly without having them interfere. My will is stronger than that. ^^
~~~~
You know... I've realised that my painful memories really DO get clogged up in my head. Memories as far back as standard... 5 I think it was. Or was it standard 4.
I had seen some name cards being passed around in class. I liked the idea, so I decided to make some of my own myself. I got my mom to print out my name, address and telephone number on some hard cardboard, cut them up into namecard size, and stamped this MickeyMouse stamp with my name on it on every card. Then I passed them around in class, especially gave a nice one to a girl that I kinda liked.
Then a short while later, the girl with her group of girls (they were all top-scorers in the class, I was one of the two only guys to compete with them, there were about 5 of them) came over to my seat. One of the group had gathered up the cards I gave them, and tore them up in front of me.
...
I remember the resentment I felt in my heart at that time. The girl whom I liked didn't look like she approved of the action much, but this was primary school where peer pressure was everything. I started to really hate that girl who tore up my cards. She had laughed too. Along with another two of the girls, before walking back to their seats.
I didn't understand it. I gave those cards cuz... Well who knows why. I guess I considered them my friends, even though we were always competing for the best marks in class. Then they did that.
And that incident is still in my head. The girl who tore them up is now in Australia. We had some kind of dislike for each other, and I still do. She's always really stuck up and bossy. From the start till the end. Problem is, she was one of my youth church leaders. How she got there, only God knows. And all her other friend leaders too.
Then I remembered a time when I was in my church choir.
Someone spilt a lot of water on the floor. That day, I had brought a bunch of fliers for my first performance with The Canticle Singers. I went out to get some tissues from the washroom.
When I came back, I found my stack of fliers on the puddle, being used to 'dry up' the water.
Even if whoever did it didn't mean it, that was a direct insult to me. And the choir. It's OBVIOUS that paper wouldn't absorb that well, that's why I went to get tissue from the toilet. Why in stupidity's name did he do it?
I was pissed off that day. And disappointed. Horribly disappointed.
Then a whole bunch of memories started to resurface. I had to immediately block my thoughts or I would've started to get really pissed off.
Bah.
Compartmentalizing was it? I had been keeping all those painful memories in myself. I couldn't let go of them. I felt they weren't fair. Why did people have to be such complete idiots and do hurtful things? Why couldn't they be nice? Why couldn't they do nice things instead of doing such horrible things?
Why couldn't they move for the better of mankind, instead of making things worse for people? Is it really that nice to make people feel horrible? You bastards.
You're the reason why Earth is such a horrible place to live in. Your kind are the reason why wars happen.
blah.
I need a psychologist. Or a psychiatrist. Or a witch doctor. which doctor? (hint: pronounce say Witch Doctor out loud, then say Which Doctor out loud).
Either ways... I hope you're alright, Sylkis. He will never abandon you, so look to Him for strength. Even though me saying this is pretty stupid.
God
The endorphins produced from an early workout today weren't enough to keep me in a joyful mood for long. I still feel a little better about myself though. My abdomen hurtz badly now though.
Oh yeah, and take care of Sylkis. I know You will.
God bless Ivan, Jun, Jas, Ben, and Sylkis. Oh yeah, and Yuna too, she's kinda cute. But she doesn't exist, so nvm. Rin's good too. :)
And bless my blogreaders too. Especially Viv. I know she reads this from time to time. :)
Good day.
posted by Liil Masks at 6:28 pm
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