Dear Sylkis

Dear Sylkis

(BEWARE OF EXTREMELY LONG POST)

I'm sorry if I've been freaking you out. I know I probably sound a lot like a stalker now... (But doesn't it feel interesting to have a stalker? :D :D :D *gets kicked*) But even if we're nothing more than friends at this point of time, you mean a lot more to me, and have already helped me way more than you know it.

I'm sorry, but my train of thought hasn't started chugging its engines, so please bear with me if I randomly start to jump topics. I'll try my best to make this as coherent as I can.


As you've probably found out from those other blog entries, you're a Motivation to me. You're an inspiration, an Angel even, someone who's lifted the arms of my spirits and told me to move forward in my spiritual life. By merely being who you are, you've shown me everything I need to see to help boost my spiritual confidence and willpower to continue to grow in Him.

While it's true that we should rely on God, He also uses His people to minister to others and to help build each other up. I don't know to what degree of truth is there in this, but I really want to believe that He sent you into my life to pull me out of the edge of trouble that I've been in as of late. Trouble that has caused me to be shameful of myself, and to curse myself into thinking and believing the lies saying that I'm a useless Christian. I myself know the truth of who I am, it's just that at certain times and situations, these other 'facts' dominate my faith in my own self and cause me to lose trust in who I thought I was, causing depression and self-pity.

But ever since I truly learnt about you (that would be that First Link I think), that trouble has been slowly going away. I became stronger in fighting the desire to create more of that trouble, and I am slowly but surely winning the battle. I felt that God had made us meet in order to give me the strength, courage, and a new reason to continue fighting. I know that I should be fighting for myself, for my own spiritual growth and so that I may meet Him when that day comes. But as it is, I've little self-esteem to fight for anything for myself. When it came to a question of willpower and willingness to do things that may be horribly troublesome to me, I've only been able to fight for my friends. I fought so they would achieve what they wanted, I fought so they could go on with life, I fought so they would find comfort in my company and words. The only times I fight for myself is when wrongly accused of things I've never done. I guess I fear so greatly about what people think of me that I fight back everytime someone says something that may give others the wrong impression about me.

Wow, a whole bunch of fighting. How 'manly'. -___-;;

In any rate, because of that I looked up to you. I forgot one very important thing in that 'list' i made in that first post.

"She must love God more than I do."

I think that goes without saying that you do love Him more than I do. From your posts alone I can tell how close you are to Him and how devoted your life is in Him. Even if you have your faults, you need not say anything about them because your faith in Him will pull you through. I admire you for it, even your naiveness in saying "Of course I'll reach home safely! God's protecting me!". I'm sure He will, but there are times He chooses to remove His hand of protection to test us. It is those moments that I don't want to miss being able to be there if there is a need for me in any way. Wait, I'm running off topic. I admire that naiveness too. I think too much about too many things, that sometimes it costs me my faith. I want to be as strong as you are, stronger even.

But first, I needed to grow before He would allow anything to happen. A very bad event occurred during last year's TCS which I believe made all of the old members leave, not wanting to return to TCS for this year's performance (save for Matthew, but he's not really an old member and wasn't really there either due to work). And I was the center of that event.

My grandmother (quick family history brief: parents divorced before I was 1 years old, mother remarried when I was 11 or 12, father remarried dunno when, father had another boy, mother had a girl. I followed Mother, and now living with her, Stepfather, and daughter, and maid. This grandmother is the mother of my step-father. More quick history, I've got a lot of hatred for my stepfather. Read pasts posts for more info) passed away. She was a buddhist so the memorial took up to two days before cremation on third day. Third day happened to be a Sunday (or Monday I can't remember), so I couldn't go for the practice on that day. My mother asked me to stay and help out, as it would mean quite a bit for my stepfather. As much as I hated him, I couldn't refuse such a request. My heart wasn't made of ice. So I informed Kit that I couldn't go for the practice session on that day.

Instead of trying to understand, he instead opted for me to quickly pay some last respects and go for the practice anyway. "You don't like him anyway" was part of his reasoning. Though I felt that wasn't right, I asked my mother anyway if I could be allowed to leave. She said it was best I didn't, so I refused to leave. In the end, he was furious for me wanting to stay until everything was finished and cut the line; like he always does.

Later when I had access to the internet, I decided to send a mail to everyone regarding my disappearance on that day (I had always kept a perfect attendance unless absolutely necessary, even in sickness). Part of the reason was because someone had been kicked out of TCS that same year, and before that anything regarding his reasons for being absent 'had to be sent to everyone in the group' as put by Kit himself. In the e-mail, I apologised for being absent and I wasn't very much in a position to leave the processions until everything was done.

In a firm rebuttal, Kit decided to turn the tables on me and accused me of several things. Deciding that I didn't need that kind of treatment and words from anyone, I replied as maturely as I could, explaining my actions for mass mailing the group and for that absence. This went on for two more emails, especially when someone in the group decided to voice up her own opinions about Kit being overly harsh on someone who's coping with a relative's death. He in turn turned back on her and fired at her after firing at me. She promptly quit the team after Kit enlarged and bolded his fonts to a big number, telling us to quit it with him who owns and runs the group.

It was something I found very hard to forgive. After such harsh words over the internet, he still had the nerve to walk up to me, casually putting his hand over my shoulder and asking if I was alright when I turned up during the next practice. In my mind I kept repeating to myself to forgive him, to forgive him, that it was the right thing to do. But in my heart, there was little forgiveness left to spare after trying to spend most of it on my hated step-father. I could not forgive him from my heart.

Then when asked if I would rejoin this year, I constantly turned him down, saying that I wanted to consolidate my financial status (I was jobless for the whole of last year). He called more times than I would've guessed, trying to entice and convince me to return as the choir needed stronger tenors (I didn't regard myself as a strong tenor, I just knew my parts well). I kept rejecting him as part of my heart still could not bring myself to forgive him.

He even went as far as sending Matthew to try to talk to me in church. Perhaps he did ask, perhaps he didn't. Either ways, I told Matthew I'd think about it, but ONLY after Easter was done.

I DID think about it. I thought really deeply. I found that the main reason why I wanted to 'give TCS a rest for a year' was simply because I couldn't stop thinking about what happened during that absence that I took. I was filled with anger. Almost with hatred. I couldn't understand how someone who claimed to hold the choir as a Christian orientated choir could come up with such words and accusations. I understood the seriousness of the choir as he said he ran it like a business. But even Donald Trump who hosts "The Apprentice" sent one of the apprentices back home by a personal helicopter to mourn for his grandmother's death. Even HE, a multi-level billionaire had the humanity to do such a thing. And I doubt he's a Christian.

But then I realised. I've been praying that God would one day fill me with forgiveness that I would be able to forgive my stepfather. How could I learn to forgive if I couldn't even forgive such small matters such as this? True he didn't ask for my forgiveness, he probably still thinks he's right. But we are supposed to live with forgiveness in our hearts whether they ask for it or not. So my one step towards learning to forgive, was to return to the choir.

And by growing that little bit, I met you.

I want to believe that God allowed me to meet you as part of a 'gift' to growing a little more in Him. I have always believed that I would never meet a girl that fits my exact description, that God would have someone with better qualities than I wanted in store for me. Because I had come to believe that such a person could never exist. But God works in His own mysterious ways, and He is always able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that we ask or think. He showed me that He could do more than I asked for, but only if I grew more and trusted in Him.

First I had to get rid of that problem. Now it's almost all gone. I mentioned in the post before this that I've lost any interest in other women/girls. I really have. I don't even look twice at a gorgeous girl who walks past me (believe me I pass by a lot of them considering I walk along Bintang Walk every day after work). I believe with a little more perseverance and with His strength and guidance, it'll finally be all gone. Then I can finally start fulfilling Romans 12:1; staying Holy and pleasing unto Him. (you can probably guess what I'm talking about)


About all the idle chat that I've been trying to initiate with you... That's my way of being a friend. Not as someone I'm interested in (well I still get to learn more about you... ah whatever), but as a friend. I know you've made it clear before, and I want you to know that I want to respect that decision you've made. Besides the fact that on March 13 you might've set your eyes on someone else. Considering 13th was a Tuesday, I doubt I would've been anywhere near that corner of your eye. Maybe it was me after all (oh yeah right dream on boy), or maybe (probably) it was someone else. It's not cheesy, don't worry. I think it's lovely. But no, don't tell me who that person is. I don't want to feel disappointed, yet I don't need that sudden push either. I'm doing my best to keep it as friends, and as I do respect your choice, I want to keep it as that too. If that was me, hurray hurray! If that was someone else, God will take care of the rest, and I know I won't be disappointed by Him. :)

As of now, besides that you only want to keep this at friendship level, I have no idea of what you think or feel about me. And as far as I'm concerned, as long as it's anything above being friends, I don't want to know either (LIES! I'M LYING TO MYSELF UH! T_T). You have your studies to focus on (even though you've got private singing lessons now? wow you really do stretch yourself), and I am in no position nor do I have any right to disrupt that. If you ask me what I want, I'll only answer with "For you to continue your studies and achieve what you believe God wants for you". I'm sure I don't need to tell you that I like you a lot, but I will try not to disappoint you by not allowing it to escape my my actions and words. You have my word that I will do my best, for both yourself and I.

But that doesn't mean you can run away from me taking you to Sakae! And making you dance para para in 1Utama before that! And DotA someday together! D:< Promise me you will D:< (Don't worry I'll play the para para too. And if you want we can go to Sunway and para para together on linked machines one day. They have synchronized linked machines there :D it's fun! I don't EZ2D though .__.)

Whatever our paths may be, I do really hope that someday we'll cross paths in the future. I also hope for more and you probably know what it is, so I need not say what it is. God willing, maybe my wish may come true. But if it doesn't, I know God'll give you only the best. You deserve the best.

That man may be Ben Barnes. Who knows? :P (I CALL IT RESEARCH NOT STALKING D:)

Well, I've said all I think I can allow myself to. There's more but they're mere fantasies I wish were true. I'll let my reality deal with my imagination for that. Just make sure you ace your studies. :)

I too want our friendship to grow. Didn't you notice me avoiding taking you as a partner for any of the dances we're doing that requires partners? I've thought I was just unlucky (HAHA idiot me) but I guess I was subconsciously avoiding it. Cuz I knew I'd go crazy. And maybe melt like ice the moment I'm off-stage. Haha :P

Oh, and don't try to put me off by saying your mom says you're fat, or if you think you're fat, or anything. If you think you're fat, I'm gonna have the worst self-esteem in the world. I know a little more than you think I do AND I WAS NOT STALKING D:

See it's a bad habit. I always spoil the mood. Ugh.



Thanks for just being you, Sylkis. Stay strong in Him. :)




God...

I need a pump to replace my lungs. I've been sighing a lot, and this post is gonna make me sigh even more. I'm so gonna wear them out.

Yes, and bless Sylkis too :)

God, do bless my blogreaders, and Ivan, Jun, Ben, and Sylkis. :) Oh yes, don't forget Jas.

I won't forget you so easily, Jas. :)