Fill My Heart with Song and let me Sing Forevermore

God


I received this message this morning.

~~

read this - you are weary. you are burdened. you are worried. how much do you desire true rest? do you want it enough to go back to Christ? Let Him take over & bless you.

~~


Thank you for sending it to me. I'm thankful that I can always depend on you to be God's messenger in my dire times of need.




Rest in Him... How does one rest in Him...?

Does one relieve themselves of their burdens and worries, trusting and believing in faith that He will take care of everything?

That's gonna be a hard thing to do since I don't like being surprised... I like being ready for anything. I don't like bad surprises. Even good surprises... It makes me feel... Vulnerable. That I could be taken on and hit at any time without me knowing.

But you know... It IS incredibly tiring... Being ready for anything that is... Paranoia helps you to constantly look at your surroundings, expecting something bad to happen to you at any time.

Yet... While it may keep you safe from getting hurt... You tend to always be on a defensive position, always fending off any form of attack that seem to come whether it may be meant as a joke or not.

And in the end, you become someone that's not very fun to hang out with. Because it's not fun to tease you.

And it's true I guess... I don't like it when people throw accusations at me, even if they're just for laughs. I tend to get afraid that they may actually mean it, I get worked up, and I fend off with my reasons and facts. And in the end, the other party ends up not liking the situation because it turns awkward that I took it so seriously.

Blah.


Which is... Funny really. She seems to do that to. At least with me she does. There was once when she was running in late for practice, so I asked her if she got my call (because I called earlier and she didn't pick up). In a rather flustered tone, she said,"I was driving!" Do note that I only asked later when she had settled down. And I asked very casually.


Blagh.

I'm seriously never getting anywhere at this rate.

Why? Because I only see her disliking me the more I try to interact with her.

Feeling down cuz someone dislikes me. And the worst part is that I really really like her a lot.



Kinda like with ECYL. I saw her (again) recently. I was reading a comic book while waiting for my mom at the train station when she appeared out of the station and walked past. She was in her work clothes (white blouse, black knee-length skirt, very corporate look), so obviously she had come from work. Or from a meeting.

I just continued to read my book while she walked past.

Well... I didn't want to say hie. There's an 80% chance that she'll either ignore me, or retort back and walk on.

But... The truth is, every time I think about it, it hurts.

I don't want her to continue hating me like this. I wanted us to... At the very least, be acquaintances again. We didn't have to be friends, I just wanted her to stop hating me.


But I guess it's not gonna be happening...



Faith without actions is dead faith...

When will I dare to act...?




It's true. I'm tired, I'm weary. I'm tired of being worried. 'Do not worry about tomorrow'. I've been worrying about tomorrow every day. Worrying that I won't have enough sleep, that I'll be trudging to work again.

It's only started, and I'm getting tired of working life. At least the office kind.

I'd like to act for my food... I'd like to perform for my food anf shelter...

Not like I could even if I wanted to...

And that's not the kind of career that's good for raising kids anyway.

Gah, I'm thinking too much again.





And Sylkis, if you're still reading (which I highly doubt), I'm sorry for the last post. I was tired, I was sad. And emotionally very shaken. Please forgive me, if my apologies mean anything at all.




God

Please destroy my walls.

It doesn't matter too badly if I'm not saved from the world any longer.

If I can feel just a little bit of Your love, if I can just see a little of Your light...

If I could just touch the hem of your cloak...

I'll be satisfied. If I go insane, let me go insane. If I die, let me die.

I want to be released. I want to be free of the walls I've built around myself.

I don't know how to bring them down. I don't even know the weak spots. I can't even tell that there are walls around me. I've built and lived with them for so long, I can no longer remember what was the world like before this. This has always been my world.



God,

Save me from myself.





God, bless my blogreaders

and of course, Jas, Jun, Ivan, Ben, Sylkis, and CSY.