Only girls are allowed to be emotional.

If a guy is emotional, he's either gay, a sissy, or he's weak and not suitable for girls.



*sigh* I guess I am...


I cried on the way home from practice today.

~~~~~
*thought process*


Why's she being so mean??

You know, it's a possibility she's not being mean...

But it's also a possibility that she is!

Guys this is making things worse. It's adding a lot of sadness.

But... But... He was just behind... He was right there... He's offered to give her rides so many times... And yet... She picked him...

C'mon, the boss was there and he asked him to send her home. Obviously she can't refuse-

What do you mean obviously? She could! She could've refused if she wanted to! She didn't even give it a second thought...

Well duh, remember what happened? Isn't obvious why she would've gone with him anyway?

Yeah... But... But... It's just so unfair... She flirts with all of them, except... It feels really lonely and left out you know! It hurts! It hurts so bad!

Hey c'mon we gotta stop on this alright? Look, he's gonna go through another emotional breakdown again if we continue! Okay? Please stop. We don't need this. HE doesn't need this.

I... I can't help it... It's all going through me so fast... And it keeps coming out... I can't control it... I can't shut it out...

You MUST shut it out! For his sake! C'mon, get it back together! Shut it off now! He's driving for goodness sakes, look he's already started crying! You've GOT TO STOP!

I'll... I'll stop talking... But that won't help with everything still happening... He'll still feel it...

At least do what we can alright? At least do what we can. I'll do everything I can to help contain it from releasing too much.


*end of thought process*
~~~~~~~~~~~~


The walls cracked a little. A little of something seeped in. It was green. It created an unbalance. What was within was turned into chaos, resulting in a leak out.

The leak out resulted in speeding. And a slight problem with running water.

It wasn't a normal leak. It leaked things that had been pent up for quite some time, and knowing that it would be pent up for at least another 2 more years it leaked even worse than before.

Fortunately, it wasn't too dangerous a leak. The builder held back those walls, and repaired them as soon as things rested.




How can I break those walls?

If I tear them down, it's not the fear of hurting myself that I'm afraid of.



It's the fear of killing myself.



I see so many harsh things that happen in a day. Most people don't see them because they are small. But just because they don't see them doesn't mean they may not be affected. Nor does it mean that it doesn't exist. They are there and they are very real. It's these small things that can really shape a person to the way they become. After all, a few thousand little drops builds a stalactite and a stalagmite.

And it's these smaller things that keep pounding away on those walls. The big ones pound too, but compared to the massive armies of numbers, the strength of the big one alone is little.



I'm afraid. Afraid of the world. As long as I have my walls, I'm not afraid, for they are strong.

If I tear them down, I fear I might lose my sanity. After all, sanity is what it keeps inside.

What if God chooses not to save me in the time where I'm most vulnerable? Or what if I lose my sanity and ability to reason before He decides to? He works in His own ways after all, I have no guarantee that tearing down these walls will deliver me into the hands of the saviour.




It doesn't matter whether Sylkis reads this or not. It would be better if she didn't, and since she said she's not, she probably won't. I would've still typed this out anyway. This IS my blog after all, and this is the only place I can find solace in pouring my heart out and be heard.

I felt like crying so badly. Just crying and crying.

People say that you'll feel better when you cry it out.

They need to add something:

You'll feel better when you cry it out IF and ONLY IF someone is there to comfort you.

You'll feel worse if you cry alone.




And most of the time

I cry alone.




God

I can't blame her for doing what she did and has been doing (about today, I don't know if it was intentional or not but my better judgement says she's innocent so I'll leave it with that). I'm the only one to blame for everything that has happened. That sounds really familiar, but this time I know for sure it's a fact. It was my fault for scaring her away. I was stupid. I was dumb.

But I was infatuated. And I still am.

Either ways...

I just hope she knows that I don't blame her a single bit for the way she's been acting towards me.

I want to talk with her and have fun with her so much. I feel so jealous every time I see her having happy chats with other guys.

But I don't think I'll ever get to chat away with her being really happy. Besides the 'restraining request', I don't see myself as worthy of anything the likes of her.

I'd probably make her life miserable.

So God...

I pray that You'll get her a good future person, whoever he may be. I have faith knowing that You'll give her nothing but the best for her. So I guess I'll rest easier tonight knowing that.


God, bless my blogreaders.

And Ivan, Jun, Jas, Ben, Sylkis, and CSY.

Goodnight...

And please don't let this be goodbye.