First in our Lives

I'm really exhausted at the moment.

I just came home from a full run-through of the performance. I'm tired from the practices and all, but I'm really happy because... Because that's where I feel the happiest. On stage, practicing for the coming performance.

Yet...

The extrovert side of me took over, and I felt that dreary fatigue from not having someone next to me to talk with on the drive back. It just further drained me of my energy and the short-lived joy of (barely) living my passion. Draining me until I grew even more exhausted than before, and ended up coming into the house with too many thoughts in my mind once more.


Among those thoughts... Were the thoughts of her again. As usual.

Yet... It's been a nagging question in the back of my mind now.

What is it that I seem to lack that puts me in the area of not being ready for a relationship?

After some searching on myself... Besides the obvious faults I already have, I realised


That I seemed to be idolizing her.


The most important commandment of the Bible is to Love the Lord your God. That is the first and foremost important commandment above all else. For He is our Lord and He should be first in our lives in everything we do.

So I understood. If I actually continued along the path I seem to be trudging on right now, it won't be Him whose first in my life anymore. It would be her.

And it seems that it's showing quite prominently in my everyday life. I seem to see something related to her EVERYWHERE I look. Something will just remind me of her. In fact, all of my interest, possibly almost everything I am, reminds me of her. I see so many similarities (she'll probably freak out from this post too).

Yet... The one that I SHOULD be seeing FIRST in EVERYTHING I do... Is Him. Not her, but Him. Above everything else.


And so I understood, why nothing seems to be going the way I want it to. No matter what I would try to do, He just won't allow it. Simply because, I'm not ready.

And I believe that I'm not ready too. My heart just wants to jump in so badly but my mind keeps pulling me back. Obviously my heart's the one that has the upperhand most of the time or I wouldn't even be talking about this.

*sigh* It's my own fault that things are happening the way they are now.



She leaves in 2 years time. Back to her studies, back to Canada.

And if and when she does... She'll probably run back to his arms.

If she's happy with him, if God intended for him to be with her instead of me, then by all means, I'll be happy for her as much as I can.

I just...

I just hope that within that 2 years, she'll find a day to remember me, and remember that I promised not to have any conversation with her as per her request. I'm already breaking it plenty now...

Chances are...?

She won't.

Because this choir is the only way we meet or see each other.

Otherwise...

I'm as good as any random stranger she encounters outside.


So what if I'm stupid and don't chase her the way a persistent guy would? I'm not that kind of guy. I know how irritating and annoying it can be when someone you don't like keeps treating you like you're their best friend, and talking and talking to you all the time, and 'helping' you when you really could be better off WITHOUT that kind of 'help'.

And so... I will respect that. As much as my mind can control my heart.

If she never does contact me ever again... Well, that's just too bad for me. Perhaps God has something else in mind. Whatever that may be, I will follow.



I hate driving back alone.

But she will continue to elude/avoid hitching a ride from me.

So... I guess I'll just have to continue dreading the times after rehearsals.



Perhaps one day... If I can finally understand God's love...

Perhaps... I won't feel lonely anymore.



God...

please show me Your love...

God bless Ben, Ivan, Jun, Jas, Sylkis, and CSY.

And Nao too, who's... somewhere here.