Pudding Sadness

My sad little pudding! T_T




Heh, someone commented that blog was filled with sad and depressing posts. Very rarely have I posted something happy in here.


I guess I should, eh? I've been focusing on my sad memories so much, I tend to forget the happy ones I have.

The problem is...

I don't remember those happy memories...



Well, I bought an NDS Lite yesterday :D It'll keep me off the boredom and off the depressing thoughts for sometime in the everyday LRT boredness...

FF games ftw!




I couldn't stand it. No more.

So I prayed on the way home today.

I told Him that I couldn't stand having to avoid talking to someone. Especially someone that I particularly liked.

It's like... Like the time when me and Jas were fighting. She didn't want me talking to her, so I did my best to avoid talking to her online whenever I saw her.

It hurt. It hurt so bad to see their names out in the open, yet I had to hide in the shadows and stay there lest I couldn't control myself and tried to chat.





I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

And it's killing me.





He also said that I should focus on the things I want.

What do I want...?

I don't have a goal in life.

My only... 'Goal' for namesakes, is to be an actor, for both film and stage.

And...

And to bring happiness to friends

to support them in their times of need


And...

And to bring her happiness.




But those have all been but talk.

I don't bring happiness to friends. I just bring company.

I don't console them. I just talk to them.

And I haven't really helped any friend out much in my life. I've only helped 3 that I could count to be significant.

The rest?

Who are the rest that I've helped out? None.



I've been nothing but talk.



Have I brought her happiness?

I've just brought her annoyances.

I've just brought her grief.

Nothing more.



I'm hardly an actor for film OR stage.

I can say I'm on my way being in my current choir and all. But who am I kidding? I'm FAR FAR away from being anywhere near a proper stage actor.

I can't even fulfill what I want to be.





So what am I in short?

I'm nothing.



Nothing.


I've achieved nothing in life. I've brought little happiness, with mountains of grief.







Yet... He still wishes to help me.

I know I'm not beyond help. Nobody is beyond His help.

I'm just...

Not worth helping...


Self-pity?

No, this isn't self-pity.

These are just facts.



My will to live is strong. Yet my desire to live is weak.

In the end, I fool no one but myself.





'How much do you want Him? How much are you willing to give up for Him?'

God... I don't know.

I have nothing to give up.

Just my little world of games that I run to in escaping the sadness of my real world.


Must I really give that up too?

If I give that up... I truly have nothing.

I will have no fall-back, no safe-guard.

If I fail to attract Your attention...

I would die.



God...

Then help me to give that up to.

If I die, I know I'll go to You.

Yet I don't want to die, I want to make a difference in people's lives.

I want...



I want to be Your sword. Your weapon to strike down the enemy, and to win the souls of men.

I want to be her happiness. Her happiness next to You, that would be her strength and her joy through the best and worst.

I want to be Your mirror. Your mirror that reflects Your light that my friends will follow to You by seeing the light I reflect to them.


I want to be...

Useful.



God, bless my blogreaders.

And of course, Jas, Jun, Ivan, Ben, Sylkis, and CSY.

And Nao too. Hie Nao! :)