Insignificant Attention
I just got the depressive feeling again. BBT really is back. And... I don't want to do anything about it.
I can't be happy when I feel left out of everything.
Someone once told me that my driving force in life is to seek attention. I couldn't have agreed more.
The things I do... In fact, everything I do is to seek attention.
Recognition.
And relatively, Fame.
And mostly,
Love.
Why do I work hard to do the things that I want to do well? Why do I bother planning and putting up a good performance for cf? Why do I waste my time playing games with other people in them? Why did I start cosplaying?
I wanted attention.
I wanted recognition.
I wanted people to know who I am.
I wanted people to want to be like me.
I wanted attention.
I craved attention.
Everytime I'm ignored, I feel depressed. Depressed because I'm not exciting enough to talk about. Not the person people want to talk to or like to talk to.
Not the kind of person people would want to give their attention to for just being who I am.
It's all really lame.
Then I'm lame.
Because it's the driving force of my life.
Without the crave for attention, I probably couldn't care less about things that happen around me.
Not everything of course, but I wouldn't be where I am right now.
I wouldn't have cared less if my assignments didn't catch the lecturer's eyes.
I wouldn't have cared less if I did my work simply for the sake of passing it up to pass my semester.
I wouldn't have put time, energy and effort into doing my assignments.
But then again, I don't get much attention.
I don't understand why other people who are less attractive in many terms compared to I am gain more attention.
I don't get why people whom by logical standards shouldn't gain that much attention and respect, instead gain more than I do.
I've done more than they have.
I've contributed much more.
I've helped much more.
I've helped more effectively.
In fact, there are times when if I did not help, they probably would have failed or gotten a really low mark for their assignments. Some of them at least.
So why am I still insignificant in their eyes?
I know I should be gaining attention in the eyes of the Lord, not in the eyes of Man.
But I'm quite a materialistic person.
I want that attention from Man.
But no matter how hard I work
How hard I try
How much I give
How much I sacrifice
I'm pushed aside.
I
Am
Insignificant.
Oh, and one more. I've gone w/o a girlfriend for... half a year or so. A semester at least.
I'm getting that feeling again.
The desire to love and to BE loved.
The desire to hold a person close and not let go.
The desire for a comforting embrace.
I'm still forcing myself to not get into a relationship, no matter how much I like the person.
It doesn't help that the particular girl confesses that she thinks you're pretty good looking too.
Doesn't help at all.
Sometimes I wish I could just grab my sword and commit harakiri.
But then again, I don't have a sword, I'm not in Japan, and I'm not that stupid.
Wish I were at times, though.
And on another note, my 'plushie' has a boyfriend.
What's amusing (and downright idiotic, stupid and f###ing anal of me) was that I hugged her RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.
A few times too.
Only later (as in 1 or 2 weeks later) do I realise (after looking through photos) that THAT was her boyfriend.
Gawd, I couldn't have been more stupid.
I wonder what he was thinking when I hugged her so many times.
There. One more reason to be depressed.
And YES, I DID have a crush on her. She's friggin cute and funny. Her personality is just so damned cute and funny too.
Like I said, I DID.
The moment I found out that THAT was her new boyfriend (only reason I found out was cuz of her nickname in her msn, I was suspicious so I double-checked), my feelings for her turned off immediately.
Gah. How could I be so stupid.
Kill me. Please. Kill me. That was just so stupid.
Stupid.
God... This year isn't starting out right. I pray that whatever happens, it will not interfere with Your plans. Be they for me, or for others.
Thy will be done, I pray.
I can't be happy when I feel left out of everything.
Someone once told me that my driving force in life is to seek attention. I couldn't have agreed more.
The things I do... In fact, everything I do is to seek attention.
Recognition.
And relatively, Fame.
And mostly,
Love.
Why do I work hard to do the things that I want to do well? Why do I bother planning and putting up a good performance for cf? Why do I waste my time playing games with other people in them? Why did I start cosplaying?
I wanted attention.
I wanted recognition.
I wanted people to know who I am.
I wanted people to want to be like me.
I wanted attention.
I craved attention.
Everytime I'm ignored, I feel depressed. Depressed because I'm not exciting enough to talk about. Not the person people want to talk to or like to talk to.
Not the kind of person people would want to give their attention to for just being who I am.
It's all really lame.
Then I'm lame.
Because it's the driving force of my life.
Without the crave for attention, I probably couldn't care less about things that happen around me.
Not everything of course, but I wouldn't be where I am right now.
I wouldn't have cared less if my assignments didn't catch the lecturer's eyes.
I wouldn't have cared less if I did my work simply for the sake of passing it up to pass my semester.
I wouldn't have put time, energy and effort into doing my assignments.
But then again, I don't get much attention.
I don't understand why other people who are less attractive in many terms compared to I am gain more attention.
I don't get why people whom by logical standards shouldn't gain that much attention and respect, instead gain more than I do.
I've done more than they have.
I've contributed much more.
I've helped much more.
I've helped more effectively.
In fact, there are times when if I did not help, they probably would have failed or gotten a really low mark for their assignments. Some of them at least.
So why am I still insignificant in their eyes?
I know I should be gaining attention in the eyes of the Lord, not in the eyes of Man.
But I'm quite a materialistic person.
I want that attention from Man.
But no matter how hard I work
How hard I try
How much I give
How much I sacrifice
I'm pushed aside.
I
Am
Insignificant.
Oh, and one more. I've gone w/o a girlfriend for... half a year or so. A semester at least.
I'm getting that feeling again.
The desire to love and to BE loved.
The desire to hold a person close and not let go.
The desire for a comforting embrace.
I'm still forcing myself to not get into a relationship, no matter how much I like the person.
It doesn't help that the particular girl confesses that she thinks you're pretty good looking too.
Doesn't help at all.
Sometimes I wish I could just grab my sword and commit harakiri.
But then again, I don't have a sword, I'm not in Japan, and I'm not that stupid.
Wish I were at times, though.
And on another note, my 'plushie' has a boyfriend.
What's amusing (and downright idiotic, stupid and f###ing anal of me) was that I hugged her RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.
A few times too.
Only later (as in 1 or 2 weeks later) do I realise (after looking through photos) that THAT was her boyfriend.
Gawd, I couldn't have been more stupid.
I wonder what he was thinking when I hugged her so many times.
There. One more reason to be depressed.
And YES, I DID have a crush on her. She's friggin cute and funny. Her personality is just so damned cute and funny too.
Like I said, I DID.
The moment I found out that THAT was her new boyfriend (only reason I found out was cuz of her nickname in her msn, I was suspicious so I double-checked), my feelings for her turned off immediately.
Gah. How could I be so stupid.
Kill me. Please. Kill me. That was just so stupid.
Stupid.
God... This year isn't starting out right. I pray that whatever happens, it will not interfere with Your plans. Be they for me, or for others.
Thy will be done, I pray.
posted by Liil Masks at 11:53 am
2 Comments:
hahahaha... we really do have quite a lot in common when it comes to experiences in life that we've encountered.. but honestly man, there's a lot more people who looks up to you than you know it.. it's just that some people just don't know how to show it..
and when you do something, don't expect so much in return.. and who knows? maybe that's when you'll get all the attention that you really want.. i used to be an attention seeker as well mainly because i was neglected most of the time when my lil bro was born.. i used to do lots of things just to make people notice me... but after awhile, i just realized that it wasn't worth it and it just got so freaking frustrating when no one notices you..
so i just did stuff that i like to do and did everything else without really bothering whether people would notice me or not.. that's when i did most of the stuff quite well cuz there weren't any pressure to perform and the outcome turns out good too... and believe it or not, that's when all the attention starts to come.. just do what you enjoy to do and enjoy it! don't think soo much into it.. if you wanna do good in what you enjoy doing, do it because you like doing it not because you want people to notice you.. =)
you continue to hang in there man.. bout relationships, dude... if you feel like getting into one and feel that it's the time, go for it.. especially if both sides have the same type of feelings for each other.. it only won't work out if it's a one sided thing but if it's both sided, why not right? chill man and Yahveh bless you man.. =)
God Bless You, my dear.
-A
Post a Comment
<< Home