Indecisive Apprehension

Today's post is going to be a little more random than the last.

I took a Dr. Phil's test thing today. (I'm supposed to mail my results to the next person, but i'm lazy :P)


My result was - 50 points.

41 - 50

Others see you as fresh, lively, charming,
amusing, practical and always interesting;
someone who's constantly in the center of
attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to
let it go to their head. They also see you as
kind, considerate, and understanding;
someone who'll always cheer them up and
help them out.

And just for the heck, I added the next one, since 50 is a rather borderline number.

51 - 60

Others see you as an exciting, highly
volatile, rather impulsive personality; a
natural leader, one who's quick to make
decisions, though not always the right ones.
They see you as bold and adventuresome,
someone who will try anything once;
someone who takes chances and enjoys an
adventure. They enjoy being in your
company because of the excitement you
radiate.

Well, I'll have to agree on both of them. I've been more jumpy and lively lately, less gloomy and quiet. What can I say? I've been busy involved in the choir production and practice sessions are always fun! I love being on stage, love acting (or being who I'm not) and I love stage performances. Practice sessions are no less different. It's fun. Well, at least it is for me. I'm actually much closer to these people than I am to my college classmates or even my youth church people. Seriously. Even if 97% of them are all older than I am.

Oh btw, BLSL got 33.



My mom was talking about the 'Break-Free Seminar' that was held in my church not too long ago. Apparently 3 of my aunts (if I'm not mistaken) went for the seminar.

What's caught my ear was that when someone was prayed for, slain and curled up into a fetal position (legs contracted, hands drawn in, forming a little ball while lying on your side), that person is supposed to have been rejected before they were born. Meaning while they were conceived, someone might have rejected them, which even though they may not know it, can somehow interfere and affect their daily lives.

I sleep in an almost fetal position every night. Save for the leg at the bottom stretching straight out to balance the gravity, cuz my leg is not very light. And save for that bolster I always hug to sleep. I've read that sleeping positions can tell quite a bit of a person's character.

That's something to think about.



I think TSY is distancing herself from me.

Twice today during practice, she moved off somewhere else. Then later after practice when I was showing off a T-shirt that said "Good Morning Vietnam!" (coincidentally we're doing a play on Vietnamese refugees), she was standing next to another girl (THK. No, not that sound company from the cinemas) when I asked her to see. Or rather asked both in general.

I don't know if she didn't hear me or wanted to quickly move away. She didn't say anything, didn't so much as look at it, spoke with someone else and walked off. THK commented on it though. And I thanked her for her remark.

So really, I don't know. I could be just paranoid (which I can be quite). Or over sensitive.

Or she could really be keeping her distance. I mean, I'd be scared too if I was this medium height girl and another guy who's 5 years my junior seems to be showing signs that he likes me.

*sigh* I'm such an idiot.



Oh, I'll be working from today onwards (it's 3am, 23rd of June, 2006, a Friday). Work starts at 10am. I'm supposed to wake up at 8am (crabs).

I managed to get a place at Axis Films. It's a production house that does a lot of the Pantene hair advertisements, Wrigleys and Pringles. Mostly TV ads. Sounds cool. The people I was introduced to were very friendly. I really hope to make an impression. Could work there.



Oh, and one o my hermit crabs went streaking (running around naked) today. I came home from choir practice, went to my room, and found it desperately clutching on the fake plant in the container, naked. It was on top of the plant.

I was like, "Wth?" I quickly went down, found a medium sized container and went back up. It had let go of the plastic and was running around, trying to escape. I scooped it up with a small bottle thing and dumped it in the container along with its old shell and 3 others. It just kept trying to escape. Idiot -_- I was afraid that it wanted to moult, and I didn't have the moulting tank, or the substrat for it to moult properly.

Since it kept trying to crawl out of the container, I dumped it back into the main one with all the shells. it crept around for a while, still trying to escape, until I cornered it with my fingers and put one of the empty shells that was slightly larger than its old one next to it. It climbed over it and tried to escape again, before falling down on its back -____- Idiot. Then it crawled over the shell, peeked into it to find that it was empty, and went into it. Aih, scared me for a moment.




Anyway, mom asked for my blog address today. I beat around the bush, but generally gave the idea that I didn't want to give it to her. She kept asking why. I didn't know how to answer.




One more thing. During practice today, we were asked to stand still, focus on something ahead of us and show the emotion that was mentioned.


First it was supposed to be happy.

I was almost tearing. Tearing as in water from eyes, not shreds of paper from an A4 size. I gave a slight smile, but tears were welling a little in my eyes.

What was I thinking?

I was thinking that if TSY lived a happy life, married someone and lives on happily, I'd be happy too. Though I'd be crying with the agony within that I couldn't be with her, I'd be happy that she's leading the life that she wants to lead.

Way too deep for practice session. Idiot.



Second, we were supposed to be sad. Sad to the point of extremity, as sad as we could get.

After a certain point, I started crying. I never made a sound, but tears started to roll down my cheeks. After a few seconds, it came to a point where my body started to react to my emotions. My face screwed up a little. More tears came down. My chest heaved. My lips pursed tightly.

I almost let escape a sob that came when my emotions almost took over completely.

What was I thinking?

I kept thinking back on my last post. How I could never be with TSY. How so many circumstances would not allow me to.

Then as the emotions built up, my mind went blank. And that's when my sadness became overwhelming. I wasn't thinking much anymore. But my tears just continued to fall, as my entire body reacted.

Fortunately, no one was nearby me. The nearest person (who happened to be TSY) had her back to me. That helped in the tearing. A lot.

That was... Very scary. Yet so real.



Then we were supposed to be angry.

I couldn't do it this time. I knew that in order for me to really get mad, I would have to let my emotions target my step-father.

I didn't want to do it. My loyalty to my faith couldn't allow it. I'm supposed to love my enemies. God is love. I must not hate.

So I just looked mad.

Wasn't convincing enough, but nobody noticed.




Anyway, the rain has stopped and my hair is half dried. I was collecting some rainwater for my hermit crabs to bathe tomorrow and some drinking water. I can't use chlorinated water, or their gills are said to get swells, making them suffocate and die. So I've got to use rainwater.

Got to go now.



God,

I don't know what came over me. I fear I may think way too much, beyond the healthy line.

But that's how IQ is measured, isn't it? By how much a person thinks and how well a person can relate in thinking?

And that's how You created me.

It helps at times.

But it can really hurt too.



Bless my blog-readers.

And bless my ex-blogreader, my mom. I may give her the address again in time, but it won't be so soon.

I don't feel secure. Especially when she keeps bringing the stuff in my blog up. It pierces through my emotional security and hits me. It hurts and it's emotionally pain.

I don't want that.

Goodnight.