Looks That Could Kill

I'm aware this would be the second post in a row that I've posted in here for some time. Hurrah for me (or hurray or whichever spelling you'd prefer). And my blog. And the rest of the things that happen in my life that inspire me to blog. (I'd like to thank my mother sister auntie uncle dead grandfather long lost cousin...)



After a whole week (and more), I finally saw her again.

I guess I'll call her TSY. Much easier. (No nobody who reads this blog knows her.)

I think I mentioned it before. That I like her. Or something.



Ever heard of the phrase "looks that could kill"? Well, I certainly understood it fully about 2 weeks back when a choir member was away at Germany (company stuff and also football match). So another choir member, namely TSY, whom I really like/adore/admire, took over her part.

The thing about TSY is (if I've not already said it before), is that she's a damn bloody good actress. She may not be a professional (as in no classes and cert la), but she's very professional about acting. The roles she does... Well, when she takes on the role, her whole being goes into it and when she acts, it's as if she's a totally different person altogether.


There are 4 very prominent parts she's taking.


One is a friend of a small party of 4, who are celebrating someone's birthday. The converstaion leads to how the refugees of Vietnam are landing on the East Coast and are making things worse for the country. In this scene, she becomes very intellectual yet not arrogant. She speaks many lines and though they are spoken fast, every single syllable is articulated perfectly so that you can actually hear every word. I mean... I can speak fast and articulate almost as well, but I would need to take the words and memorise them and practice a few times first before attempting to do so. She just takes it all in and breezes through.


Two is a scene where 2 men (me and someone else) are supposed to rape her. Her husband steps in and he gets stabbed to death, she is left alone with her dead husband. She speaks a few lines in agony of her dead spouse. Every word strikes me so badly that I wish I never had to take on the role to 'kill her husband'. I mean... I really really like her. A lot. And just hearing her agonizing words that pierce through the air... It's almost too much for me to bear. A few times I almost burst out crying there and then, even though I have my back to her and am lying on the floor.


Three is a scene where a few neighbours gather to talk about the Vietnamese refugees landing on local shores. She comes in with a 'typical nosey aunty' style and starts rambling on about how they could make a profit by selling provisions to these people who had smuggled out gold bars with them. From her entry to her point of exit, as I sit down and watch her deliver her lines, I'm just awed by her extremely good acting and speaking. Her speech was well delivered, her acting and body movements were so profound and natural as if she really WAS a 'typical nosey aunty'. Which she is 100% not, I can tell you that. I'm just... Amazed at how her whole self moves in sync with her role, as if she was perfectly made for it. Everytime she does the scene, I can only sit and cuddle into a tiny ball and watch as the great actress performs her lines. I felt... Little or nothing close to her at all, like there was a never-ending gap between my level of acting and hers. I mean, I like acting yes, and I will say that I can dramatize pretty well. But... Seeing her move... Is like watching a 'god' show me what the real deal is. Of course, I'm just using 'god' as a term, no worshipping there.


Four is where she's an understudy for a Vietnamese prostitute who lives with the rest of the refugees. She's known as the "lady of the world" and is known well for giving "mutual satisfaction". This part is originally taken by a friend in the choir (EM) who has, as my director puts it, the "perfect voice" for the role. While she was away about 2 weeks back, TSY took into the role as an understudy. She was never there to watch EM do it as she had been away from the choir everytime the particular scene was done. However when she took into the role and the lines, it was as if she was, again, "MADE for that role". Though there were some parts that the director didn't like, she did very well in playing the part of the prostitute. In the song she sings, the guys move around following her like dogs as she lures the men around with her sexy moves.

There was a part she did where she was moving with her back towards us (the men) and we were to the point of crawling on our knees after her (not all, but I was one of the crawlers). At one point, she suddenly turned around, and instinct for choreographed acting told me to back stop and back away. Instead while all of us stopped on the spot and started backing away, she motioned with her hand almost directly to me, gave an extremely loving/wanting/longing yet in-control look on her face and beckoned for us to come closer as she slowly moved backwards.

That made my heart skip a beat.

Or a few.

The look in her eyes, her expression and her body language... Just made me stop and blink. For a brief milisecond, I blanked out, in awe and... Possibly in love.

Of course, that didn't stop me from continuing to do what I was supposed to do, which was to continue acting and singing. I AM an actor after all (albeit a friggin lousy one compared to her) and my professionalism says that "no matter what happens, the show must go on". I AM after all, loyal and faithful, and where I'm needed and given a responsibility, I WILL do it. Especially if it's for my passion (which by the way, in case none of you know, it's in acting/singing/stage performing).


As I went to bed that night, I couldn't stop thinking about what had happened. The moment the image of her face with her... LUSTFUL expression appeared in my mind, I felt time stop as I cringed in love and awe, yet with total despair and agony.


Why?


TSY is 25 this year. She's half a decade older than I am. It's been known to me (though I've not actually researched for the statistics) that most relationships with women older than the men by 3 years and above face many problems, physical deterioration and misunderstanding being two of the biggest.

TSY has a boyfriend. I'm not sure, but I think he's only 1-3 years my senior, since he's only finishing his degree in medicine like this year or the next. She takes days off to go to Penang, an island far north of my country to visit him. Reachable by car, but quite a VERY long drive. Which I believe she did. I believe she has her feelings for him, though they mostly only see each other once a month. She works most of her day and by the time she reaches home, it's late, so she doesn't have internet at home. She does her e-mails and other internet stuff in the office and occasionally when she needs to, in a cyber cafe. Besides the fact that she prefers to read or hang out to eat with her friends after work. Also, I do NOT believe in stealing girls away from their boyfriends. That experience with M was bad and I know I went against my conduct, which I am trying my best to heed.

TSY is WORKING. That's a big factor. As a male gender of the homosapiens, I strongly believe that it is MY role to provide, not the feminine side of the relationship. If none of you has ever understood why I treat girls so often even though it leaves me broke and try my best to NOT let any girls treat me, that's why. Everytime I can't treat a girl and a girl treats ME instead, I feel an utter feeling of failure as a man. I really do. It's depressing to say the least.

TSY is leaving in 2 months. She's a nutritionist and is going to further her studies, pursuing her masters I believe, somewhere overseas (I can't remember where). A few weeks after the choir's performance, she's leaving. I'm not sure for how long, but a masters takes a long time. I'm not sure what she plans to do after that either. All I know is that she will be leaving. For a long time.


With all that in the way... How could/can I even DARE to tell her how I feel? Stop telling me to tell her that I really like her and all. We are definitely NOT meant to be together. We may have had rather similar backgrounds and similar talents and similar passions (though what she really wants to do is get into some foundation to feed poor hungry children or something, that is internationally known), but the blocks that stand in the way are just too great for me to even pick up the courage to say anything. It's not something I can do under such extreme circumstances. "It's illogical, a nightmare!" - quote from Refugee: Images.

I might even lose the chance to get to know her more deeply.

Certain people tend to distance themselves from people who confess their feelings to them. I don't know her well enough to say whether she will or won't. Even if they don't, they'll maintain a certain degree of 'borders of information' from them. I don't want to risk the chance. I'd rather get to know her deeply and keep my feelings from her than to confess and have her backing off.

I know how badly people can close up.

I don't dare to risk that chance.



After July, she won't be working anymore. I took the liberty to ask her out for movies during that period of time and she agreed, with MidV MegaMall being our prime target for meeting. She lives at one end and I live at another, and MidV seemed to be the perfect spot, in which she happily agreed.

If that is all that I can get, then I'll accept it.

I know where I stand.

Besides being of no match for her, I'd feel inferior to her anyway. I already am.

That's of course, besides all the magnificent walls that block my path to her. Walls so high that though I KNOW I can scale, the results risk too much for me to even try.

My chances are only about 5% of any reaction favourable to my way. At least that's how I see it to be.



And so...

I can only be content...

In lying on my bed at night...

And slowly dying...

In love yet in agony...

To the image of her beautiful face...



I don't know if this is love, or a very deep infatuation.

But seriously, I've never felt that agonizing pain, yet joy of the moment before...

Beckoning to me...

To dare that which I could never dare,

To try that which I could never achieve.





On another note, I'll be going for an interview at a production company called Axis Films for my internship tomorrow. I pray that God will do something, hopefully coax them to accept me. I've been drifting around my internship matters, being very loose about the entire thing. I doubt my application to 8TV will be accepted, so I really need this to happen.



God...

Sorry for yesterday. I was angry. Tired. And deprived of the computer and the internet. Also, my mom was, in my eyes, being extremely annoying at the worst times possible, which the part of the worst times possible being very true to me.

I ask for forgiveness.

I'm sorry for being an asshole.

And I'm sorry that I am never what people want me to be.

Never able to live up to expectations.

Never able stand up for myself when I am rejected.

And probably never able to come out of the trance/spell that I'd like to phrase as something TSY put me under.

Always feeling inferior to TSY.

Probably never able to rise up to be better.

I'm sorry I'm all that and more.


Sometimes even, God,

I'm sorry for being who I am.



Please bless my blog-readers.

Please do. For befriending someone who could never be anything better.