"Let it Wash away my Sanity"
First off, this post was originally done on my old comp, yesterday, on Notepad (cuz my old comp doesn't have MS Word). I was denied access to the new comp, which is the only one that was internet access now that the router is spoilt.
But I needed to write this. Before it disappeared from my mind. I DO have quite a short term memory a times.
I don't want to go the psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Or whatever. If you want a full diagnose of me, my personalities and my abnormalities, I can make a full list for you, you don't need the 'professional help' to do it. The only difference is you pay that person a whole lot of cash for that 'professional' word.
Why am I saying this? Because I feel no one really understands me. Of course no one would, I never truly open up fully to anyone. No one at all. That's my fault I guess.
But I don't see that as a reason to blame myself (the normal line is "But you can't blame me).
Ok ok, I'll get to the point already.
I haven't been able to get a place to do my internship. Most (if not all) of my friends are already halfway through theirs while I'm still floundering wondering whether I can get a place at 8tv.
The situation is like this (just in case more people can't understand half way stories and figure out what's happening, I'm rather annoyed by it, I mean is it THAT hard to just put a bit of brainwork and try to piece together the bits I've said? I'm rather explanative too, what's so friggin hard about THAT???):
My lecturer asked us to find our own place for interning. I would've thought he'll get the place for us, or we'll specify where we want to do it and he'd make the arrangements. NO. Instead, we need to find the place ourselves, get the information of the person in charge AND the contact number, let them know we asked and give the number and information to him, then he'll send our resumes (which we do ourselves, the resumes i mean of course) to the company we requested at. Besides that when we asked him to put us in wherever he wants to put us, he tells us to go look into the 'Yellow Pages' and find instead (this apparently pissed off one of my friend's intern boss).
Well, that's not hard is it?
For one, I'm a rather shy person at asking things like this. I know I've got to grow out of it, and I HAVE been working on it, but I'm still shy. No really. I'm serious damnit.
For two, I HAVE called a few companies to ask. The stuff I've gotten back instead are, "He's out" or "Hold on please.... (5 Minutes Later) I'm sorry he's in a meeting, could you call back?" then "Sorry he's left already." or "He's not available" or better yet "Hold on please... (Hold for 10 minutes and no answer, the operator didn't even bother to pick the call back up)".
For three, I've got rather extremely sensitive emotions, and therefore I tend to give up rather easilly if I feel that I'm just not wanted. If you don't understand, go ask some 'professional' what it means.
Well, I asked my lecturer to send me to wherever. I was supposed to start work on the 15th. I thought that everything was set and I needn't do anything anymore.
I was wrong. When the 14th came, I asked my lecturer about it. He just said, "I don't know. They're supposed to call me about it. I haven't gotten the phone call. So? So I don't know la."
Wow that's great. And here's my mom pestering me and nagging and scolding me almost every other day about my internship.
You know, it's not that I'm not excited about it. I WANT to do it. I WANT to work in a production house and see how it feels like. I DO WANT to secure my future, make sure everything's planned and well. That way if anything happens, there's still something I can fall back on. You think I don't think of any of these? You think I just sit and play computer games and do nothing but laze around with no particular goal or worry in my life? You think I'm just a fucking bastard who doesn't want to do anything about it??? Damnit I WANT TO FUCKING GET ON WITH IT. Can't you bloody understand that I lose my enthusiasm easilly if I'm depressed about it??? Can't you bloody understand that I'm down about it and the MORE YOU SCOLD ME THE MORE I WANT TO FORGET ALL ABOUT IT AND NOT DO ANYTHING AT ALL??? DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE TRIED???
No.
You don't.
Why don't I open up? Well, if you still don't understand and don't know, please don't ever ask me that question again, I don't want to answer anymore.
I don't like giving direct answers when the questions are about me, my life and my emotions. I don't. If I just say all of it out, I might as wel write everything in point form and give it to you for marking. Give you a red pen while I'm at it.
Maybe I don't care about my future. Maybe I AM just a friggin lousy asshole who sits his ass in front of his computer and does nothing other than play computer games the whole day without thinking of anything else other than eating and sleeping. Maybe I AM after all a person who's wasted all his talents and all your friggin money. Maybe I really just don't care. Maybe I never feel sorry at all. Maybe I'm all you say I am and more.
Because that's what you say I am.
And you say it a lot.
If you say so,
then so be it.
Maybe you should really learn and understand properly why scolding negative remarks on your children is not good for their character development, self-esteem and if applicable, extremely sensitive emotions.
ESPECIALLY if they're young, or/AND have sensitive emotions.
Unstable emotions count too.
And maybe you should learn to understand that I HATE IT WHEN I'M WATCHING A SHOW AND SOMEONE CHANGES THE CHANNEL WITHOUT EVEN SAYING ANYTHING AND STARTS WATCHING SOMETHING ELSE EVEN THOUGH IT'S BLOODY FRIGGIN OBVIOUS I'M WATCHING THE BLOODY FRIGGIN SHOW!!!
It's as if I'm not there.
Which is what I probably am.
If so many people talk about me and act as if I'm not there
maybe I really am not.
Maybe I'm really that insignificant.
My tolerance is reaching its limits. It's been abused overly for the past years, especially the past 3, inclusive of this year.
Even the plague that says that I'm the Best Student in my school for year 2003 doesn't really say much anymore.
It's just another piece of ornament.
It was just a fluke.
A fluke.
Which is probably what I am as well.
And all the work I've done that has been 'good' or 'excellent'.
All flukes.
I guess I'm just what you say I am.
I rarely hear edifying words anymore. Rarely.
Which basically means 1 thing:
I don't deserve them.
I don't.
God...
I'm in no position to say anything proper to You right now. Everything's been written out here.
I'm glad I changed my address too. She doesn't know this address.
And I doubt I'll be giving it to her.
I doubt.
Fully.
God, bless my blog-readers.
I quote myself in an sms (directed to all who read this):
"I'd say 'I love you' if not for the corniness of that line being directed to you."
But I needed to write this. Before it disappeared from my mind. I DO have quite a short term memory a times.
I don't want to go the psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Or whatever. If you want a full diagnose of me, my personalities and my abnormalities, I can make a full list for you, you don't need the 'professional help' to do it. The only difference is you pay that person a whole lot of cash for that 'professional' word.
Why am I saying this? Because I feel no one really understands me. Of course no one would, I never truly open up fully to anyone. No one at all. That's my fault I guess.
But I don't see that as a reason to blame myself (the normal line is "But you can't blame me).
Ok ok, I'll get to the point already.
I haven't been able to get a place to do my internship. Most (if not all) of my friends are already halfway through theirs while I'm still floundering wondering whether I can get a place at 8tv.
The situation is like this (just in case more people can't understand half way stories and figure out what's happening, I'm rather annoyed by it, I mean is it THAT hard to just put a bit of brainwork and try to piece together the bits I've said? I'm rather explanative too, what's so friggin hard about THAT???):
My lecturer asked us to find our own place for interning. I would've thought he'll get the place for us, or we'll specify where we want to do it and he'd make the arrangements. NO. Instead, we need to find the place ourselves, get the information of the person in charge AND the contact number, let them know we asked and give the number and information to him, then he'll send our resumes (which we do ourselves, the resumes i mean of course) to the company we requested at. Besides that when we asked him to put us in wherever he wants to put us, he tells us to go look into the 'Yellow Pages' and find instead (this apparently pissed off one of my friend's intern boss).
Well, that's not hard is it?
For one, I'm a rather shy person at asking things like this. I know I've got to grow out of it, and I HAVE been working on it, but I'm still shy. No really. I'm serious damnit.
For two, I HAVE called a few companies to ask. The stuff I've gotten back instead are, "He's out" or "Hold on please.... (5 Minutes Later) I'm sorry he's in a meeting, could you call back?" then "Sorry he's left already." or "He's not available" or better yet "Hold on please... (Hold for 10 minutes and no answer, the operator didn't even bother to pick the call back up)".
For three, I've got rather extremely sensitive emotions, and therefore I tend to give up rather easilly if I feel that I'm just not wanted. If you don't understand, go ask some 'professional' what it means.
Well, I asked my lecturer to send me to wherever. I was supposed to start work on the 15th. I thought that everything was set and I needn't do anything anymore.
I was wrong. When the 14th came, I asked my lecturer about it. He just said, "I don't know. They're supposed to call me about it. I haven't gotten the phone call. So? So I don't know la."
Wow that's great. And here's my mom pestering me and nagging and scolding me almost every other day about my internship.
You know, it's not that I'm not excited about it. I WANT to do it. I WANT to work in a production house and see how it feels like. I DO WANT to secure my future, make sure everything's planned and well. That way if anything happens, there's still something I can fall back on. You think I don't think of any of these? You think I just sit and play computer games and do nothing but laze around with no particular goal or worry in my life? You think I'm just a fucking bastard who doesn't want to do anything about it??? Damnit I WANT TO FUCKING GET ON WITH IT. Can't you bloody understand that I lose my enthusiasm easilly if I'm depressed about it??? Can't you bloody understand that I'm down about it and the MORE YOU SCOLD ME THE MORE I WANT TO FORGET ALL ABOUT IT AND NOT DO ANYTHING AT ALL??? DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE TRIED???
No.
You don't.
Why don't I open up? Well, if you still don't understand and don't know, please don't ever ask me that question again, I don't want to answer anymore.
I don't like giving direct answers when the questions are about me, my life and my emotions. I don't. If I just say all of it out, I might as wel write everything in point form and give it to you for marking. Give you a red pen while I'm at it.
Maybe I don't care about my future. Maybe I AM just a friggin lousy asshole who sits his ass in front of his computer and does nothing other than play computer games the whole day without thinking of anything else other than eating and sleeping. Maybe I AM after all a person who's wasted all his talents and all your friggin money. Maybe I really just don't care. Maybe I never feel sorry at all. Maybe I'm all you say I am and more.
Because that's what you say I am.
And you say it a lot.
If you say so,
then so be it.
Maybe you should really learn and understand properly why scolding negative remarks on your children is not good for their character development, self-esteem and if applicable, extremely sensitive emotions.
ESPECIALLY if they're young, or/AND have sensitive emotions.
Unstable emotions count too.
And maybe you should learn to understand that I HATE IT WHEN I'M WATCHING A SHOW AND SOMEONE CHANGES THE CHANNEL WITHOUT EVEN SAYING ANYTHING AND STARTS WATCHING SOMETHING ELSE EVEN THOUGH IT'S BLOODY FRIGGIN OBVIOUS I'M WATCHING THE BLOODY FRIGGIN SHOW!!!
It's as if I'm not there.
Which is what I probably am.
If so many people talk about me and act as if I'm not there
maybe I really am not.
Maybe I'm really that insignificant.
My tolerance is reaching its limits. It's been abused overly for the past years, especially the past 3, inclusive of this year.
Even the plague that says that I'm the Best Student in my school for year 2003 doesn't really say much anymore.
It's just another piece of ornament.
It was just a fluke.
A fluke.
Which is probably what I am as well.
And all the work I've done that has been 'good' or 'excellent'.
All flukes.
I guess I'm just what you say I am.
I rarely hear edifying words anymore. Rarely.
Which basically means 1 thing:
I don't deserve them.
I don't.
God...
I'm in no position to say anything proper to You right now. Everything's been written out here.
I'm glad I changed my address too. She doesn't know this address.
And I doubt I'll be giving it to her.
I doubt.
Fully.
God, bless my blog-readers.
I quote myself in an sms (directed to all who read this):
"I'd say 'I love you' if not for the corniness of that line being directed to you."
posted by Liil Masks at 11:20 pm
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