Cyring Out From Inexistance

*embraces BBT*

Yes, she's here.

She may be the twin sister I never had

She may be my true lover who will come some day

She may be my darker feminine side

She may be my inner feelings, crying out to the unkind world that rejects in ignorance

She may be the pure power of my imagination


Whomever she may be...

I love her

And she loves me

And that is almost all that matters

Almost



Whenever this feeling

This feeling of hurt in my heart

This strange gut feeling I get

These... Wave of emotions that continually sweep across me, held up only by an ever so fragile foundation of self-control and sanity

Have poured down in merciless torrents once more

Washing away all I've tried so hard to build

Tried so hard to forget

Tried so hard to...

To...

Let go...



Call it being schizophrenic

Call it being paranoid

Call it having a psychological condition named "split personality"

Call it being crazy

Call it whatever you want



But as long as these undying waves of neglect

A void that used to be Care

A hole that once filled with Acceptance

A vacuum once blocked by Trust

A space... Once full of...

Of...

Existance...



My faith believes that my mission here is clear

That I will make a difference

That I am significant

That I am an impact

That though a drop in the ocean, I create ripples that will cause waves to form



My reality tells me that my mission is nowhere to be found

That I have no difference

That I'm insignificant

That I'm nothing more than an ignored push

That a drop will always be a drop, once touching the ocean, I disappear forever without a trace that I ever existed...



Humans form opinions and understand based on what they see, feel, smell, hear, taste and touch.

Sanity is what tells you to control yourself.



I'm human.

Sanity is scarce.



They say geniuses can often turn into madness.

I've always been a borderline Introvert/Extrovert.

Borderline between every single personality test I've taken.

Borderline between Master and Apprentice.

Perhaps I'm crossing the borders of the Genius side.

After all, I'm a genius at making lameness sound worse.

A genius at making stupid remarks.

A genius at causing mayhem.

A genius at provoking people's anger.


A genius at being an idiot.



Maybe that's why people stay away from me.

Maybe it's more.

It probably is.



Can I blame them?

I've got no one but myself to blame.

I control who I am.

What I do.

There is no one I can blame except myself.

Not that I'd have it any other way.

Would there even be a point...?



A point... To all this...?



I lack the feelings of security

I seek it out among 'friends'

But

As far as I can tell

They just identify me as a pervert

Taking advantage of the situation



They don't have to tell me

I don't require clarification

I've studied the feminine gender long enough

To know these signs

And what they most likely will think.



And only a very few; a VERY FEW

Will willingly smother me

And allow me in return



Crying out from a world of reality
The Inexistant sores her voice
From falling tears to heartfelt shame
Help her? None will make that choice.

It is her fate, her own destiny
That her future lies in the hands of the force
What she becomes is not ours to mettle
It must sail on predestined's true course.

If none will tie the worlds of the two
None can ever help this soul
If none will ever see this pain
None can ever fill this hole.

The gap that none will ever cross
The life that'll be forever lost.



Goodnight.


God...

Bless my blog readers.

If any remain...