Maimed

I fell into a drain 5 days ago.

It's not funny.

The drain was very deep. It had metal bars covering the top all the way, so I didn't look twice at it. I was talking with my friends and wasn't concentrating on where I was walking.

My foot slipped on some metal, my whole leg dropped into the drain, right between two metal bars that had been pulled aside, creating an oval shaped hole. It would've been alright if I had just dropped down.

My knee got stuck between the bars.

My friend tried to pull my leg out from behind, but it hurt even more. After gathering myself, I forced my leg backwards to the oval-shaped hole. My leg came out.

But not without a lot of pains for the day.

When I reached home (and only checked the wound late at night), I found that I had bad bruises on the inside part and a not-so severe one on the outside.

My mom quickly went to the nearby Pharmasy and got some disinfectants along with some gauze and tape. After I bathed (oh heck it hurt), I dressed the wound and my mom stuck the gauze on me.

It still hurts, the wound is there, but at least I can walk without a limp. I thank God that I didn't need the fire bridage to get me out. (I think that was why I decided to force myself out...)

And thank God the two metal bars on the inside of he drain that were sharp and rusted didn't scartch me at all. In fact, my jeans wasn't torn one bit.




I'm stuck right now, writing a script for a short movie I'm supposed to shoot, edit and hand up by Monday, which is 2 days from now. Meaning I've only got one day to shoot and edit.

I've been bugged and scolded and otherwise been gotten angry at because I don't seem to be doing my work.

Well I admit. I haven't.

And there's no one to blame but me, isn't there?

I've always been the one to blame.

Everything that goes wrong is my fault.

I was told to defend myself, but later told that I talk back.

Go ahead. Blame me.

It's all my fault for not working hard enough.

It's all my fault that I can't pay attention.

It's all my fault that I can't seem to focus myself.

It's all my fault for everything I've done that people dislike.

It's all my fault that I'm not able to think of anything good to put into this assignment.

Even falling down that stupid drain which an idiot could have avoided is my fault.


It's my fault for being who I am.




i reverted to bbt.

and only 1 person seemed to notice.

no one was ever there when i needed a friend to whom i can tell everything without any constraint.

no one.

and even if a small few tried

they would never probe.

they would make it sound like "if you don't want to tell, then i won't ask. it's your choice."

i hate it when they do that.

i just hate it.

i hate it i hate it i hate it.

i hate it.




God...

i hate it.

i'm starting to hate myself. for not being able to do what i know i can do, yet knowing full well my limitations and current situation do not permit me to do so.

i'm in a constant struggle with myself.

i'm tired.

and

i hate it.




please less my blog-readers... whomever may ever find this post...