3-in-1 Coffee is not a good way to explain the Trinity
[1]
It's getting awesomely and freakishly scary.
Lately, me and Jun have been having the same thoughts at the very same times, finishing each other sentences and getting each other's jokes way faster than anyone else. Yes we do hang out a lot (did, I've been busy with work and her with coll), and we're close friends. But to be close to that kind of a point? It's scary at times. Not something bad mind you, it's good that we're such close buds that we know each other so well.
And again we were asked by... Daniel? I think (I was too, on a different ocassion by Jas) on whether we were planning to become couples or not. Or was it CSY? I can't remember.
Anyway, my (our) answer was that we didn't want to jeopardize our relationship as close friends. I've hooked up with a best girl friend before, and it ended up with her hating me. And she still does (start your guessing engines!). Apparently she has too, though not so bad a situation (I think), but she's been there before.
And now that we're so close, I would want nothing more than to continue our relationship as friends. I don't want to hook up with her, break up later and never get back to this amount of trust and closeness we have now. It never does happen, and it never will. Call it chicken, call it playing safe, whatever you want to call it, I won't let it happen. And neither will she.
Kinda interesting though. Freaky, but interesting. And good.
[2]
I'll call her J2LY.
Let's just say she kinda jumped out of my 'list of expectations in a girl'.
She TOTALLY and I mean TOTALLY fits EVERY SINGLE DESCRIPTION of 'what I want in a girl'.
TOTALLY.
It's so exact in every aspect and likeness that it's really REALLY freaking me out.
And I DON'T freak out with girls. Period. Menstruation even.
Here's the list:
1- Polite
I can't stand rudeness. Yes she is polite. Very.
2- Pretty/Beautiful
um... yeah... I know it's the beauty within that I'm supposed to blablabla and whatnot, but a guy can't help wanting his GF to be beautiful. And yes, she IS really pretty. And Beautiful.
3- English freak
Kinda obvious really. I would find it hard to communicate every day if I'm limited to speaking Malaysian English. Well she doesn't have freak out at every English grammatical mistake or anything, but yeah you get what I mean, something like me. And yes, she's an English freak.
4- Petite/Cute
Petite as in small sized (loli or whatever you wanna call it), cute as in small sized and adorable. Yes she's both. (While she could lose some weight, I still find her adorable and extremely huggable the way she is now)
5- Has a beautiful voice
I want a gf (future wife) who would share my passion in singing. I love to sing, and it would be a shame if every song I sang was sung in a solo and not a duet. It takes two to waltz. And yes, her voice is simply amazing, even more amazing than JKJN's voice. Way more.
6- Passion for Performing Arts
Acting singing and dancing are what makes me who I am. Without it, I'd be boring old me. I want someone who would share this love with me. After all, Lea Salonga married a man who could sing wonderfully. I mean... I want someone who would be able to understand and share with me the passions that I have. And yes she does. She's performed with her own church for Easter and Christmas, and was active in performing arts in Canada while she was there. Definitely.
7- Good Head! (No don't serong dammit)
I self acknowledge that I have an above average IQ (the tests say I'm a Genius, though at what I'm really not sure. At being annoying? Maybe...). And for all those who have higher IQ than normal out there, I'm sure you agree that speaking with people who would understand you without needing everything explained out to them is much more exhilarating (err... more enjoyable) than with those who can't understand anything that you try to tell at all. She studies in IMU, so she's a Medical Student. While that may not be enough, she's caught on everything I've said so far without hesitation. While this needs more proving on my side, I believe that she does have it. The conversations I've held with her prove her to be so.
8- SHE PLAYS DOTA
LIEK OMG I HERD U LIEK MUDKIPS? She plays DOTA! I'm a gamer, and very few people who're not gamers understand our likings towards games, any one of them. Because of this, gamers are often a misunderstood lot who tend to be pointed as 'obsessed' or 'possessed' or 'pobsessed' (mix possessed and obsessed). Of course there are limits to how much a gamer should play and all, and it's still about self control. But for someone to UNDERSTAND a gamer's enjoyment, one would have to be (or would have to used to be) a gamer themselves. AND SHE'S A GAMER! Not only does she play DotA, she's also played Diablo II: Lord of Destruction (with her favourite character being the Assassin, SAME AS ME!), she played Final Fantasy VIII MANY TIMES OVER (I played it 5 times over! OMG!), she ALSO KNOWS WHAT IS KING OF FIGHTERS! And though it's a coincedence, I cosplayed Kyo Kusanagi KoF2008 Edition last year during CF. Apparently SHE LIKES KYO A LOT TOO! omg. This is... seriously getting weird freaky.
9- SHE PLAYS ARCADE
Same like above, the only way to understand what an arcade gamer enjoys about arcades is to be one yourself. I specifically only play Para Para Paradise (versions 1.5, and 2, have yet to encounter version 1) and Soul Calibur II and III. The others I don't touch so much, save for some shooting fun and BishiBashi. The thing is... SHE PLAYS IN THE ARCADE TOO! And she plays EZ2D (Another dancer game using hands AND legs, Para Para only uses hands. Cuz my legs don't like moving a lot), AND she plays Para Para! I'm telling you, the similarities don't stop...
10- She likes Sushi!
I know lots of people like sushi, but my mom doesn't like sushi and neither does my grandmother. Where I got my sushi tastebuds from I have no idea, but SHE LIKES SUSHI TOO! This is totally scary.
11- SHE COSPLAYS
Well not really. She's got a set of GothLolita clothes, being the only kind of 'cosplay' she likes. It's better than not understanding ANYHING about cosplay at all! And seriously, this is a MAJOR pluspoint. She went to CF last year too! OMG I can't understand how I didn't see or recognise her. ARGH!
12- Someone who loves and accepts me for who I am, not for what I could become
So far... Well I've barely known her for a month. Though we've shared some stuff, there's still lots more to go through. I feel that she's relaxed and easy with me when we're chatting (she gave TMI once... And I've talked her to sleep twice. As in talk to her on the phone till she's gonna go to bed, you serong basket) and I feel... Well I feel goofy and nervous really. That I'll say something wrong and spoil everything. Ugh. I feel like such an idiot. Then again I AM an idiot. But the important thing is, she EDIFIES me. She lifts me up and doesn't put me down. She doesn't (hasn't) insulted me for anything I've done or am (and the 1-3 times she has she made it VERY clear that she was only joking, at least I knew clearly enough that she was and I didn't feel insulted). She edifies. That is VERY important.
13- Last but THE MOST IMPORTANT
She's a Christian. Now don't get me wrong I'm not trying to criticise other religions or anything (heck I've dated 5 girls who weren't Christians, and only 1 girl being a strong Christian), but I've always truly wanted my girl (future wife) to be a true Christian. And a strong one too. I know where my loyalties lie but when it comes to faith in action, I'm barely there. That's why I want her to be a strong Christian. After all, the relationship between man and wife is a Tri-Une thing - Man, Woman, and God. And if one side is badly imbalanced or broken, the possibility of having a lot of future problems is very high. Anyone will tell you the same. Either that or they really need to study relationships a lot more.
There you have it. I think there are more, but I can't seem to think of them right now.
13. Wow, lucky number? or Unlucky number? I don't really care. The problem with all this information is that these are the things she's told me. They could be all lies for all I know. But like I told Jun, it's either she's telling the truth and this whole thing being a very BIG coincedence/God-planned, or she's been stalking me for years and knows exactly what to say. The latter sounds VERY unlikely though. Duh.
So... I find it hard to believe she's actually real. Seriously, I'm finding it VERY HARD to believe that she's who she is. Here's something else that's silly:
My name's Initials are BCCY, so B2CY. Her initials are JLLY, so J2LY. Silly, but a very interesting find to me. We're both
[Christian/English Name], [Surname Initial same with Middle Initial], [Last Middle Initial].
Nothing much but just something I noted. Interesting.
Anyway... I believe God is doing this. I don't believe that I met her just by chance. I believe God put her there to show me that He is capable of doing more than I expect.
"For He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that we ask or think", Ephesians 3:20
Whether we actually get anything going on, I believe, relies heavilly on my part. My mom said the home fellowship prayed for me during the last meeting, and the word that was given to me was that "I needed to reorder my life".
I understood what it meant. Lately I've gotten the feeling from my own thoughts that my life is seriously wasting at the rate I do things. I feel that 2 out of 5 of my production teammates don't really like me, among the 2, one shows this very clearly. I greet her and turns slightly to realise it's me, then ignores me. I bump into her while opening the door, smile and hold it open for her. She barely even smiled back. I think I know where her feelings are coming from due to the fact that everyone else on the team has quite a lot to do while I have little to do. Even if I took on the full workload and gave nothing to my intern to do, I'd still have a lot of free time and be able to finish everything fast. Whether I am efficient, or whether my friend who was at my post before me was just plain slow, I have no idea. But it seriously shows when she always tries to tell other production teammates to switch places with her so she doesn't have to sit beside me. The same went for the other guy too.
But back to the topic... I feel that if I want this to happen, I've gotta work hard at my own life. I gotta quickly get back on my spiritual feet and start walking, running after Him even again. I've gotta 'reorder' my life before I can feel that I'm ready to get into a serious relationship. Right now, I still feel I'm not ready, mainly spiritually.
I want to do this. I don't want to live in the shadows any longer. It was an experience, but it's not worthwhile. Especially if it means losing something so great that I believe God has prepared for me.
I want to do this.
Please pray for me.
God, please help me.
[3]
I did say 3-in-1 right? This is a really long post.
Today, my handphone got stolen.
My k810i with a 1GB memory card, with all my phone numbers, birthday reminders and personal sentimental smses.
Everything. Gone.
Here's what happened.
I reached Lot 10 while walking to the Hang Tuah LRT station from the office. It started to rain so I went to take the Monorail to Hang Tuah instead.
It was at Imbi station when I realised the music I was listening to was suddenly cut off. I thought it was an sms, since smses cut off the music abruptly to play the ringtone. The doors had just opened and it was packed so I didn't bother to check.
I waited until people had walked out of the train before I looked down to find my earphone attachment dangling outside my pouch, the zip wide open. The moment I saw the wire outside I knew I had just been pickpocketed. I looked out at the open doors, my instincts telling me to rush out and beat up the fat guy in a blue shirt who was standing directly beside me.
Instead, I sighed, took out the earphones, coiled it up, placed it into my pouch and got off at the next station, where I changed to the Hang Tuah LRT and went home.
There was nothing I could do. I didn't see the person who took my handphone, and it was possible that fat man wasn't the one who stole my phone. There was no way to identify where my phone had went, unless I could borrow someone's phone on the spot, call my phone and listen for the ringtone. But who in the wide world would lend their handphone to somen random stranger? Certainly not Malaysians, that's for sure.
So I got off at Hang Tuah, and waited for the LRT.
My rage was building uncontrollably. It was worse than the time I had left my house abruptly, worse than the time I got the ball into my face in secondary school.
My anger was so bad that I knew that if I had found the culprit, I would've beaten him senseless till his face would be unrecognisable before handing him over to the police.
I had to fight off an incredible urge to kick and punch at every wall I met along the way. Especially those idiots who seemed to think they owned the entire walkway by walking right in the middle without allowing people who were in a hurry to walk past. Idiots.
I couldn't cool down. I had to take in deep breaths to reduce my temperature ever so slightly. My heart was raging and my fists were shaking. If someone had just come up to me and insulted me on the spot, I seriously would've punched his daylights out.
Even after boarding the train, I couldn't cool off. I had to constantly remind myself that I'm a Christian and should pray for the man's conviction and forgiveness than to let myself dwell in anger. That cooled me off quite a bit. But the slightest bit of rememberance brought my rage back. It was so hard to fight it off.
"I'm better than that. I'm not just some ordinary person. I'm better than that. I have to forgive."
Finally when I reached my station, I was now fighting back tears. My feelings were all over myself and if it were not for Ivan who appeared to have come back in the same train as I, I would've walked home in the rain, possibly stopping by to cry before continuing.
It hurt so bad.
At home, it took a while before I finally cooled off.
Seriously my mom either has no empathy for me or she's got the worst timing in the entire country.
My friends are the only ones who would empathise with me.
Either ways, I'm still feeling heated over what had happened.
I mean I understand if you don't want to lend me 900 bucks for obvious reasons. You don't have to turn your head away and say 'No' in such a manner.
Seriously. No empathy.
Time to go. Need to sleep off the heat and get my new sim card tomorrow. Hopefully paycheck comes soon, I want the same model back. I've got too many important birthdays to miss it for too long. Too many people I need to keep my phone open for in case they ever call me for help.
It's fine. I have friends who care about me. And in turn, or even if they only use me, I will care for them too.
No matter what it takes, no matter how I break.
My friends are my family.
The Performing Arts is my family.
The Stage is my Home.
God...
I'm... completely messed up right now.
I'm sorry my anger has gotten the better of my emotions. I'm glad I didn't allow my emotions to take over my actions. Please forgive me.
And God
If it's true that J2LY is here from You, I will work. I will reorder my life, I will do it.
I won't consider her my gift or goal. I'll consider her my motivation.
Because I know, that even if we do get together right now it may not work out in the future.
Therefore I will put my trust in You, believing that You will always do exceedingly and abundantly above all that I can ask or dare think.
I know all this... Makes her sound like nothing more than a tool that's used. But we ARE vessels to be used by You. Whether for missions or for ministry, we are still Your hands that will stretch out to touch others with Your works and Your grace.
Only when I think less of me, will You grow in me.
I will try my very best.
This, I promise.
Goodnight.
And thank you.
And God
I pray for conviction and forgiveness for the man who stole my handphone.
This is not in hopes of getting it back. This is in hopes that he will one day by Your supernatural power realise that he was wronged many people and will repent from his sins.
May his soul be saved by Your ever redeeming grace.
God, bless my blogreaders.
And not to forget Ben, Ivan, Jas, Jun, and now, J2LY.
It's getting awesomely and freakishly scary.
Lately, me and Jun have been having the same thoughts at the very same times, finishing each other sentences and getting each other's jokes way faster than anyone else. Yes we do hang out a lot (did, I've been busy with work and her with coll), and we're close friends. But to be close to that kind of a point? It's scary at times. Not something bad mind you, it's good that we're such close buds that we know each other so well.
And again we were asked by... Daniel? I think (I was too, on a different ocassion by Jas) on whether we were planning to become couples or not. Or was it CSY? I can't remember.
Anyway, my (our) answer was that we didn't want to jeopardize our relationship as close friends. I've hooked up with a best girl friend before, and it ended up with her hating me. And she still does (start your guessing engines!). Apparently she has too, though not so bad a situation (I think), but she's been there before.
And now that we're so close, I would want nothing more than to continue our relationship as friends. I don't want to hook up with her, break up later and never get back to this amount of trust and closeness we have now. It never does happen, and it never will. Call it chicken, call it playing safe, whatever you want to call it, I won't let it happen. And neither will she.
Kinda interesting though. Freaky, but interesting. And good.
[2]
I'll call her J2LY.
Let's just say she kinda jumped out of my 'list of expectations in a girl'.
She TOTALLY and I mean TOTALLY fits EVERY SINGLE DESCRIPTION of 'what I want in a girl'.
TOTALLY.
It's so exact in every aspect and likeness that it's really REALLY freaking me out.
And I DON'T freak out with girls. Period. Menstruation even.
Here's the list:
1- Polite
I can't stand rudeness. Yes she is polite. Very.
2- Pretty/Beautiful
um... yeah... I know it's the beauty within that I'm supposed to blablabla and whatnot, but a guy can't help wanting his GF to be beautiful. And yes, she IS really pretty. And Beautiful.
3- English freak
Kinda obvious really. I would find it hard to communicate every day if I'm limited to speaking Malaysian English. Well she doesn't have freak out at every English grammatical mistake or anything, but yeah you get what I mean, something like me. And yes, she's an English freak.
4- Petite/Cute
Petite as in small sized (loli or whatever you wanna call it), cute as in small sized and adorable. Yes she's both. (While she could lose some weight, I still find her adorable and extremely huggable the way she is now)
5- Has a beautiful voice
I want a gf (future wife) who would share my passion in singing. I love to sing, and it would be a shame if every song I sang was sung in a solo and not a duet. It takes two to waltz. And yes, her voice is simply amazing, even more amazing than JKJN's voice. Way more.
6- Passion for Performing Arts
Acting singing and dancing are what makes me who I am. Without it, I'd be boring old me. I want someone who would share this love with me. After all, Lea Salonga married a man who could sing wonderfully. I mean... I want someone who would be able to understand and share with me the passions that I have. And yes she does. She's performed with her own church for Easter and Christmas, and was active in performing arts in Canada while she was there. Definitely.
7- Good Head! (No don't serong dammit)
I self acknowledge that I have an above average IQ (the tests say I'm a Genius, though at what I'm really not sure. At being annoying? Maybe...). And for all those who have higher IQ than normal out there, I'm sure you agree that speaking with people who would understand you without needing everything explained out to them is much more exhilarating (err... more enjoyable) than with those who can't understand anything that you try to tell at all. She studies in IMU, so she's a Medical Student. While that may not be enough, she's caught on everything I've said so far without hesitation. While this needs more proving on my side, I believe that she does have it. The conversations I've held with her prove her to be so.
8- SHE PLAYS DOTA
LIEK OMG I HERD U LIEK MUDKIPS? She plays DOTA! I'm a gamer, and very few people who're not gamers understand our likings towards games, any one of them. Because of this, gamers are often a misunderstood lot who tend to be pointed as 'obsessed' or 'possessed' or 'pobsessed' (mix possessed and obsessed). Of course there are limits to how much a gamer should play and all, and it's still about self control. But for someone to UNDERSTAND a gamer's enjoyment, one would have to be (or would have to used to be) a gamer themselves. AND SHE'S A GAMER! Not only does she play DotA, she's also played Diablo II: Lord of Destruction (with her favourite character being the Assassin, SAME AS ME!), she played Final Fantasy VIII MANY TIMES OVER (I played it 5 times over! OMG!), she ALSO KNOWS WHAT IS KING OF FIGHTERS! And though it's a coincedence, I cosplayed Kyo Kusanagi KoF2008 Edition last year during CF. Apparently SHE LIKES KYO A LOT TOO! omg. This is... seriously getting weird freaky.
9- SHE PLAYS ARCADE
Same like above, the only way to understand what an arcade gamer enjoys about arcades is to be one yourself. I specifically only play Para Para Paradise (versions 1.5, and 2, have yet to encounter version 1) and Soul Calibur II and III. The others I don't touch so much, save for some shooting fun and BishiBashi. The thing is... SHE PLAYS IN THE ARCADE TOO! And she plays EZ2D (Another dancer game using hands AND legs, Para Para only uses hands. Cuz my legs don't like moving a lot), AND she plays Para Para! I'm telling you, the similarities don't stop...
10- She likes Sushi!
I know lots of people like sushi, but my mom doesn't like sushi and neither does my grandmother. Where I got my sushi tastebuds from I have no idea, but SHE LIKES SUSHI TOO! This is totally scary.
11- SHE COSPLAYS
Well not really. She's got a set of GothLolita clothes, being the only kind of 'cosplay' she likes. It's better than not understanding ANYHING about cosplay at all! And seriously, this is a MAJOR pluspoint. She went to CF last year too! OMG I can't understand how I didn't see or recognise her. ARGH!
12- Someone who loves and accepts me for who I am, not for what I could become
So far... Well I've barely known her for a month. Though we've shared some stuff, there's still lots more to go through. I feel that she's relaxed and easy with me when we're chatting (she gave TMI once... And I've talked her to sleep twice. As in talk to her on the phone till she's gonna go to bed, you serong basket) and I feel... Well I feel goofy and nervous really. That I'll say something wrong and spoil everything. Ugh. I feel like such an idiot. Then again I AM an idiot. But the important thing is, she EDIFIES me. She lifts me up and doesn't put me down. She doesn't (hasn't) insulted me for anything I've done or am (and the 1-3 times she has she made it VERY clear that she was only joking, at least I knew clearly enough that she was and I didn't feel insulted). She edifies. That is VERY important.
13- Last but THE MOST IMPORTANT
She's a Christian. Now don't get me wrong I'm not trying to criticise other religions or anything (heck I've dated 5 girls who weren't Christians, and only 1 girl being a strong Christian), but I've always truly wanted my girl (future wife) to be a true Christian. And a strong one too. I know where my loyalties lie but when it comes to faith in action, I'm barely there. That's why I want her to be a strong Christian. After all, the relationship between man and wife is a Tri-Une thing - Man, Woman, and God. And if one side is badly imbalanced or broken, the possibility of having a lot of future problems is very high. Anyone will tell you the same. Either that or they really need to study relationships a lot more.
There you have it. I think there are more, but I can't seem to think of them right now.
13. Wow, lucky number? or Unlucky number? I don't really care. The problem with all this information is that these are the things she's told me. They could be all lies for all I know. But like I told Jun, it's either she's telling the truth and this whole thing being a very BIG coincedence/God-planned, or she's been stalking me for years and knows exactly what to say. The latter sounds VERY unlikely though. Duh.
So... I find it hard to believe she's actually real. Seriously, I'm finding it VERY HARD to believe that she's who she is. Here's something else that's silly:
My name's Initials are BCCY, so B2CY. Her initials are JLLY, so J2LY. Silly, but a very interesting find to me. We're both
[Christian/English Name], [Surname Initial same with Middle Initial], [Last Middle Initial].
Nothing much but just something I noted. Interesting.
Anyway... I believe God is doing this. I don't believe that I met her just by chance. I believe God put her there to show me that He is capable of doing more than I expect.
"For He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that we ask or think", Ephesians 3:20
Whether we actually get anything going on, I believe, relies heavilly on my part. My mom said the home fellowship prayed for me during the last meeting, and the word that was given to me was that "I needed to reorder my life".
I understood what it meant. Lately I've gotten the feeling from my own thoughts that my life is seriously wasting at the rate I do things. I feel that 2 out of 5 of my production teammates don't really like me, among the 2, one shows this very clearly. I greet her and turns slightly to realise it's me, then ignores me. I bump into her while opening the door, smile and hold it open for her. She barely even smiled back. I think I know where her feelings are coming from due to the fact that everyone else on the team has quite a lot to do while I have little to do. Even if I took on the full workload and gave nothing to my intern to do, I'd still have a lot of free time and be able to finish everything fast. Whether I am efficient, or whether my friend who was at my post before me was just plain slow, I have no idea. But it seriously shows when she always tries to tell other production teammates to switch places with her so she doesn't have to sit beside me. The same went for the other guy too.
But back to the topic... I feel that if I want this to happen, I've gotta work hard at my own life. I gotta quickly get back on my spiritual feet and start walking, running after Him even again. I've gotta 'reorder' my life before I can feel that I'm ready to get into a serious relationship. Right now, I still feel I'm not ready, mainly spiritually.
I want to do this. I don't want to live in the shadows any longer. It was an experience, but it's not worthwhile. Especially if it means losing something so great that I believe God has prepared for me.
I want to do this.
Please pray for me.
God, please help me.
[3]
I did say 3-in-1 right? This is a really long post.
Today, my handphone got stolen.
My k810i with a 1GB memory card, with all my phone numbers, birthday reminders and personal sentimental smses.
Everything. Gone.
Here's what happened.
I reached Lot 10 while walking to the Hang Tuah LRT station from the office. It started to rain so I went to take the Monorail to Hang Tuah instead.
It was at Imbi station when I realised the music I was listening to was suddenly cut off. I thought it was an sms, since smses cut off the music abruptly to play the ringtone. The doors had just opened and it was packed so I didn't bother to check.
I waited until people had walked out of the train before I looked down to find my earphone attachment dangling outside my pouch, the zip wide open. The moment I saw the wire outside I knew I had just been pickpocketed. I looked out at the open doors, my instincts telling me to rush out and beat up the fat guy in a blue shirt who was standing directly beside me.
Instead, I sighed, took out the earphones, coiled it up, placed it into my pouch and got off at the next station, where I changed to the Hang Tuah LRT and went home.
There was nothing I could do. I didn't see the person who took my handphone, and it was possible that fat man wasn't the one who stole my phone. There was no way to identify where my phone had went, unless I could borrow someone's phone on the spot, call my phone and listen for the ringtone. But who in the wide world would lend their handphone to somen random stranger? Certainly not Malaysians, that's for sure.
So I got off at Hang Tuah, and waited for the LRT.
My rage was building uncontrollably. It was worse than the time I had left my house abruptly, worse than the time I got the ball into my face in secondary school.
My anger was so bad that I knew that if I had found the culprit, I would've beaten him senseless till his face would be unrecognisable before handing him over to the police.
I had to fight off an incredible urge to kick and punch at every wall I met along the way. Especially those idiots who seemed to think they owned the entire walkway by walking right in the middle without allowing people who were in a hurry to walk past. Idiots.
I couldn't cool down. I had to take in deep breaths to reduce my temperature ever so slightly. My heart was raging and my fists were shaking. If someone had just come up to me and insulted me on the spot, I seriously would've punched his daylights out.
Even after boarding the train, I couldn't cool off. I had to constantly remind myself that I'm a Christian and should pray for the man's conviction and forgiveness than to let myself dwell in anger. That cooled me off quite a bit. But the slightest bit of rememberance brought my rage back. It was so hard to fight it off.
"I'm better than that. I'm not just some ordinary person. I'm better than that. I have to forgive."
Finally when I reached my station, I was now fighting back tears. My feelings were all over myself and if it were not for Ivan who appeared to have come back in the same train as I, I would've walked home in the rain, possibly stopping by to cry before continuing.
It hurt so bad.
At home, it took a while before I finally cooled off.
Seriously my mom either has no empathy for me or she's got the worst timing in the entire country.
My friends are the only ones who would empathise with me.
Either ways, I'm still feeling heated over what had happened.
I mean I understand if you don't want to lend me 900 bucks for obvious reasons. You don't have to turn your head away and say 'No' in such a manner.
Seriously. No empathy.
Time to go. Need to sleep off the heat and get my new sim card tomorrow. Hopefully paycheck comes soon, I want the same model back. I've got too many important birthdays to miss it for too long. Too many people I need to keep my phone open for in case they ever call me for help.
It's fine. I have friends who care about me. And in turn, or even if they only use me, I will care for them too.
No matter what it takes, no matter how I break.
My friends are my family.
The Performing Arts is my family.
The Stage is my Home.
God...
I'm... completely messed up right now.
I'm sorry my anger has gotten the better of my emotions. I'm glad I didn't allow my emotions to take over my actions. Please forgive me.
And God
If it's true that J2LY is here from You, I will work. I will reorder my life, I will do it.
I won't consider her my gift or goal. I'll consider her my motivation.
Because I know, that even if we do get together right now it may not work out in the future.
Therefore I will put my trust in You, believing that You will always do exceedingly and abundantly above all that I can ask or dare think.
I know all this... Makes her sound like nothing more than a tool that's used. But we ARE vessels to be used by You. Whether for missions or for ministry, we are still Your hands that will stretch out to touch others with Your works and Your grace.
Only when I think less of me, will You grow in me.
I will try my very best.
This, I promise.
Goodnight.
And thank you.
And God
I pray for conviction and forgiveness for the man who stole my handphone.
This is not in hopes of getting it back. This is in hopes that he will one day by Your supernatural power realise that he was wronged many people and will repent from his sins.
May his soul be saved by Your ever redeeming grace.
God, bless my blogreaders.
And not to forget Ben, Ivan, Jas, Jun, and now, J2LY.
posted by Liil Masks at 9:11 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home