Stormy Seas

Motivation

took a turn for Depression today




I DO understand that she's tired and has classes to attend early in the morning...

But I just can't feeling that she doesn't really want to make conversation with me.

Not like I can make conversation anyway...

We may have so much in common

But suddenly I seem to find that what's missing is my ability to chat seamlessly with her.

I can chat with other people so easily. Like take Joanne for example (asst music director of TCS). Even though we really have nothing much to talk about, somehow or other we latch onto a topic and talk endlessly, jumping from topic to topic.

And yet... I can't do the same with her.



Maybe it's just that she's denying me a good chat. It's easy to do so by not contributing to a conversation, making it totally one-sided. And I'm one who doesn't really like one-sided conversations, since I feel that I start talking too much and making the other person think I'm so full of myself.

I guess you could call that sensitive. Or paranoid. Or just plain idiocy.

Or I could be at a loss for words around her.

I mean... With Jas, it's easy enough to start chatting topics and just chat for a bit. We don't have a lot in common, but we still do chat.

When it's me and her...

aih.... *sigh*

I'm feeling so discouraged, and so low on confidence and self-esteem.

And I've been feeling a lot of that lately. I feel like I'm too incompetent to do so many of the things that I'm doing right now. It's like... It's like I've been living my life a lie.

It's like my entire life has been but a lie to myself...

Maybe I DO need a therapist... Or a psychologist... Or a psychiatrist... Or whatever that profession is called, to determine exactly what's wrong with me...

I could pinpoint it out myself... Then again that's my own unqualified judgement. And furthermore, it's my own guesses about myself, which would probably be inaccurate anyway.



I recently read a '10 things guys do wrong in front of girls' thingy.

Girls like bad guys. They like guys who go with their gut feeling, who take command of situations. Apparently they don't like guys who try to seek their acceptance and approval. They want guys who DEMAND their acceptance and approval. Guys who're confident about themselves and know what they want.

I've got none of all the above.

Maybe I should just quit trying...

Maybe I should just quit everything...

Like... Life...

In which I so fail at so horribly as it seems...

And since nobody ever says anything in this blog save for Ben and Vivian (thanks you guys... Can't tell you how much I appreciate it), I'll probably take it as I DO fail at life...

Ah but who really cares? Kilmasis is just another fictional person I created in which I strive so hard to become.

To become a Knight of God.

I am not worthy.




God...

I'm sorry but... All this is how I really feel at this point of time...

Hopefully it'll be all better in the morning...

Bless Ben, Jas, Jun, Ivan and J2LY

And all my blogreaders who still care.

Goodnight, world.