Lies

"This is the real world... The working world..."

And what is the driving force of this 'real world'?

Lies?



I was confronted today by my department head. I'll give the full convo here.



[10:13:12 AM] AD says: brian, i really think i need to talk to dan about ur job ... seems like evryday pon nothing to do since the first day u join
[10:13:33 AM] AD says: mmg its not ur fault u takde much to do.. but i dun c u taking the initiative to ask peps wat u can help with...
[10:14:03 AM] AD says: and i think suk can handle the job herself witout having an assistant back her in asia...
[10:14:32 AM] AD says: u pon seem to be fine wit coming in daily and having nothing to do.. day in day out... *sigh*
[10:15:41 AM] Kilmasis Arcanium says: then what would you have me do
[10:18:12 AM] AD says: ur big enuff to think and act as a grown up ... maybe from the first time u know that ur skills are not bein fully utilised.. u cud have asked me and zac.. wat u can do daily.. from just really mastering ur game skills...
[10:19:02 AM] AD says: uve been here 3 months and ur fine wit just coming in and not do stuff ke?
[10:19:14 AM] AD says: ur get paid for not fully using ur skills ke?
[10:20:15 AM] Kilmasis Arcanium says: what did james do during his free time
[10:20:27 AM] AD says: he has no free time
[10:20:43 AM] AD says: he will do his work as far as all of us are aware...
[10:21:06 AM] AD says: no doubt he has some distraction time but it sure was not the whole day...
[10:21:23 AM] AD says: he had babes to do..
[10:21:28 AM] AD says: and other stuffs
[10:22:42 AM] AD says: i know tis is membebel... but i c u day in day out not doin anything... even for the task that boss first proposed - u still havent done anything... u said ur goin to .. but i dont c it happening still....
[10:23:05 AM] Kilmasis Arcanium says: which is? that video thing with william?
[10:23:15 AM] AD says: and yet u have all the time to do stuffs for ur other passion...
[10:23:15 AM] AD says: yeah
[10:23:32 AM] AD says: this is the real world.. working world...
[10:23:33 AM] Kilmasis Arcanium says: we were planning on doing the shooting today after lunch
[10:23:51 AM] AD says: yeah i heard that since last week...
[10:23:59 AM] AD says: when i gave u the pinoy stuff to do
[10:24:09 AM] AD says: then yday u had nothing.. it was monday..
[10:24:16 AM] AD says: and i don c any progress
[10:25:04 AM] AD says: if i don say tis, boss will someday.. and u r a part of this team.. and its my job to tell u firsthand...
[10:25:57 AM] AD says: boss is far more aware than i that u are a moderater
[10:26:10 AM] AD says: that he said shudnt be during works hours...
[10:26:19 AM] Kilmasis Arcanium says: moderater?
[10:26:36 AM] AD says: a game moderator..
[10:27:07 AM] AD says: im not picking on u.. im just telling uu wat i think ive seen in the past 3 months...
[10:27:31 AM] Kilmasis Arcanium says: Sorry but I don't really get the game moderator part
[10:27:41 AM] Kilmasis Arcanium says: Never been one either
[10:28:27 AM] Kilmasis Arcanium says: For every video delivery that Sukran has assigned me to do, I've always delivered them fine
[10:28:40 AM] Kilmasis Arcanium says: Only twice have I been probably late for deliveries
[10:29:03 AM] Kilmasis Arcanium says: I've also asked her to allow me to handle more videos in the future, which she did give me a load full
[10:29:25 AM] AD says: did i mentioned or said anything bout u not doin ur task given....
[10:29:36 AM] AD says: i am hiliting that the time u spent here in the ofc
[10:29:47 AM] AD says: and the workload thats been given
[10:30:25 AM] AD says: u noe wat - just forget wat i said... i tot tis is for u gud sake...
[10:30:34 AM] Kilmasis Arcanium says: erm
[10:30:41 AM] Kilmasis Arcanium says: I'm just trying to ask
[10:30:43 AM] Kilmasis Arcanium says: what I should do
[10:30:59 AM] AD says: u can think for ur self...
[10:31:04 AM] AD says: sorry i even bothered
[10:32:12 AM] AD says: tis sure don sound like a question wat u need to be doing..


Please, someone tell me exactly what went wrong here.

Because either I'm too blind to see it, or I'm too dense to understand it.

Of course, asking her what I did wrong would just give me the same answer as she already did: "You can think for yourself."

I'm paid to be a video editor, that was the job specification. Nothing else.

If anyone wanted me to help out, they could've just asked. They KNOW I'm free, so they can just open their mouths or typed a message to ASK me if I'm free and if I could help them.

But do they do that? No, they don't.

Instead, they ask my intern to do it.

Stuff unrelated to his field of internship.

HE didn't ask either, but they ask him to do stuff anyway.

I guess it's fine cuz he's an intern and utilizing your interns are what companies usually do.

But why do they have to pick on ME when they're giving stuff to the INTERN to do?

When they DO give me stuff to do that's NOT in my job specifications, I do them and I do them well. I do them fast. I do them efficiently. I create shortcuts to decrease process time. I make every second count. I put full concentration into it. Yeah sure I make mistakes here and there, but that's human error, it's bound to happen.

Yet I get this kind of shit in return.

I will admit, I DO play games in the office and do 101 other stuff that is NOT related to the job like writing this blogpost, posting in role-playing forums, researching un-related stuff, and so on.

The truth is, I only do those when I have NOTHING ELSE to do. I've either finished my assigned tasks, or I'm waiting for videos to be exported or to be converted.

When I ask what the former guy (the 'friend' whom I took over this job from) did during his free time, she said he 'Hardly had free time'.

When HE himself told me there's little to do and he had LOTS of free time. When HE himself showed me an EMPTY Delivery guide, where during the ENTIRE WEEK he had absolutely NOTHING to do.

I'm starting to wonder if I should've ever trusted him to begin with.

He's manipulated so many people to his own will. He poses as a blurr case person, but the fact that he's been manipulating EVERYONE in his surroundings to his own accord is NOT false.

I got cheated by him once in the past. I forgave him. Now that I've taken over his position, it feels like I've been cheated by him again. Cheated to follow his shadow.

He's lied through his entire time in this company. Sure he had videos in the past, but there was a week where I had more in one week than he did have.

And with my intern, we finished it all within 3 days tops, which includes converting and delivery.

Is it my fault that I'm efficient and I wish to finish things as fast as possible? Is it my fault for taking all possible shortcuts that DON'T lead to any deterioration in the quality of the work that I do? Is it my fault that I'm HONEST about what I do, that my workload is little and that when I'm free I SHOW that I'm free and not appear to be BUSY the entire time???

"This is the real world. The working world."

Yeah. A world that runs on lies and deceiving.

I knew from the very start that 'this was the working world'.

I tried to keep a positive image. I tried to shrug it off saying that not everyone is like that.

But he... He's manipulated them into believing that he's been busy ALL THE TIME so much, that they'll believe whatever he says.

No matter what I'll say or do, no matter how well I perform, I'll never be a point of trust as long as what I say conflicts with what he says.

I made this point before, and I'll say it again.

"The world is governed by Idiots."

I also wanted to add "The world is filled with idiots too, every nook and cranny, crook and nanny." But that's just lame. Yeah it's a line I've used before, the crook and nanny part that is.



I know it's partially my fault for playing games in the office. And doing unrelated stuff.

And being a game moderator. Hah. Never knew I was one either, I guess that's a new status for me.

Oh, and my 'other passions' as well. What ARE my other passions indeed? The only one I know as of this moment is in Performing Arts. What OTHER passions indeed?



Heh, I know someone I pissed off recently would probably be smirking to herself right now, thinking "serves you right you asshole" or somewhat along those lines.

And you know what? I don't care.

I tried to please peer groups in the past in hopes of being accepted.

I don't care anymore.

They're not worth my time.

If they wish to see me for who they think I am, then so be it. It's not my duty nor do I have a reason to want to work to change their ingrained shallow mindsets.

Those who know me for who I am, will be the ones to benefit from befriending me.

If you wish to abandon that, then that's your choice. I won't try to change your mind. After all, I'm an asshole.

After all, I DID try to keep it friendly. I wasn't the one who started burning the oil and spewing out smokes of bad words. And yes, I hate being discriminated.



My superiors know my skills. In fact, everyone in the office who's seen my work knows my skills. When given a proper video to properly edit, I do it to the best that I can, and I produce amazing results. My superiors are my witnesses.

If she wishes to fire me before my confirmation, then that's fine by me. I've been discriminated the day I entered the office anyway. 3 out of my 5 department team members don't like me anyway. Even though the entire rest of the office seems to show that they accept me for someone random and happy-go-lucky and a friendly person who's fun to be around with. Save for one guy whom I don't think really likes me anyway.

And I'm supposed to do some shooting today with my intern. I've lost all the mood for doing it and I'd rather not touch the camera at all, cuz I know it'll just look bad.

But who cares? Doubt my department head does. Yes she thinks she's nagging for my own good.

Also she's still pushing on and on about the fact that my predecessor did nude women content. Geez it's as if she WANTS me to view that kinda stuff SO badly. The only way she'll get me to do the porn content (babe, porn, whatever they're nude girls who flash boobs, poledance, bathe naked in pubs, kissing and licking everywhere, if that's not frikkin porn then I don't know what's wrong with her head) is if she fires me. And that's final. Then again if she fires me, I won't be doing anything anymore anyway. So it's all good I guess.

Whatever.

When I was doing my internship, I ALWAYS walked around asking the producers and directors if there was anything they needed help with. ALWAYS.

And my points for 'initiative during internship' was marked at 1 (1-5, 1 is lowest).

Who am I to say anything? My lecturer asked me to explain myself. I told him there was nothing I could explain. Who would believe me anyway? Nobody ever did believe me. Only those who HAVE worked with me before, who HAVE seen my capabilities that exceed their expectations, who HAVE seen my chaotic management skills yet also having the ability to make everything turn out VERY WELL DONE in the end, only THEY can vouch for what I can truly do. Only THEY fully believe in me. I tell them something, and they'll believe me, and act accordingly. Even if they have their doubts at first, I almost always prove to them that I'm right in the end. Almost because I'm not perfect. And I openly accept that fact.

One of such few places where I do hold such a kind of 'authority' so to speak would be the TCS choir, and my church's adult choir. What I say seriously is heeded and taken note of, and checked over to see if what I said was true. Which it usually is. Corrections, little mistakes, tempo, timing, pronunciation, all of these things are NOT what I studied, but I still point them out correctly and give constructive criticism.

But who cares? That's not the real world. That's the world of my kind of fantasy, where truth is the one that governs. No. This is the real world, where lies rule supreme.



I'm really starting to hate this world. Or maybe it's just the idiots who make this world a shittier place to live in.


Oh yeah, someone told me that a lot of people who read my blog say that I think a lot about myself.

Narcissism is what I call it :D (yes I know narcissism's something totally different, I'm just joking. And if you didn't get that joke, never mind...)

And I think it's a good habit, to think about yourself. I call it self-reflecting (i think that's what it's called anyway), and it's good to always look back on your day and think about what you've done during the day.

I know I'll at least be pretty annoyed tonight.




God...

What am I doing...?

God bless my blogreaders

And God bless the broken road that'll lead me straight to You.