It's Been...

Two weeks since my last post.


I had to refrain from posting because...

Because people read my blog.



And I shan't explain further... Because of the reason given above.




I've often wondered why I keep giving and giving, splurging and splurging, putting energy, effort and soul into giving...

And sometimes when I look back at all that...

I don't know why I did those things.

I stood to gain nothing from all that.

Of course, I hoped to gain something in return... Actually, just the same thing that I've given would be enough.

"Do to others what you would have them do to you." Isn't that right?



So...

Why is it that...

I don't get them doing so back to me...?


Please, don't argue by saying that I act immature or AM immature, think like a kid, don't want to hear the truth about myself and blablabla... I've had enough of that. That's why I refuse to listen, because I've evaluated that, and I've disregarded it.

Because those who get to know me or have seen me at work or have worked with me, all know that when I need to be serious, all that 'immaturity' and 'kid thinking' disappears. Instead, I'm much more calm, focused and determined than most people.

Yes yes, put in your 'Yeah right's right there. If you haven't seen me at work or worked with me, you don't have to open that trap and form an opinion based on what you see me for on an outer side basis. If you've only known me from what you've seen and heard and base your opinion entirely on what people tell you or what you see whenever I'm out having fun, then you can keep those opinions to yourself. If you don't know me, your opinions are flawed.


See it's one thing to lie to myself about who I am, and it's another thing to BELIEVE in myself on who I am. I can lie to myself all I want but in the end, it just hits me right back in the face, because I've lied to myself about my own capabilities. When I need to have these things at work the most, I wouldn't be able to do it, and I'd fail myself. Sadly, that's something I don't do.



Since a number of people have tried to "tell me the truth", I've re-evaluated my personality and characteristics.

Hard-headed (as those whom have 'tried' to tell me say)
Sorry, but this just doesn't stand. Yes I admit once I'm determined about something, I stand my ground. However if you approach me with enough proof, I DO re-think things. If all you do is mutter baseless accusations, then forget it. No matter how right you think you are or how angry you get, you'll never get past me, because I base my opinions and understandings on hard FACTS and EVIDENCE.

Immature
Ask anyone in my choir cast. They will admit that I am very immature and relaxed at most times, but when the time for proper rehearsal and performance comes, I'm DEAD serious about what I do. I only play the kid when nothing important is at stake. Why do I have to 'grow up' and 'act my age' just because the rest of the world wants to age faster? And when you GET to that age, you decide that you want to age SLOWER, or go BACKWARDS. Seriously, stop following what the flawed waves of the world pushes and follow your own understanding. Do you know what's PEER Pressure? It's a Pathetic Excuse for Extreme Stupidity Pressure. You HAVE a brain, think for YOURSELF, not follow what everyone else does.


So... what else is there? That's about it. Those are the two 'major flaws that make other people dislike me'. Everything else is related to them.

I've presented my argument, and I rest my case. Give me pure hard FACTS and EVIDENCE that what I've just said is either WRONG (as in Lies), or INACCURATE. Don't come telling me that it's because of that people don't like me, and get annoyed when I prove you wrong by those answers alone. I know I'm rather kiasu (afraid to lose), but that's just in my nature, because I want to be right. Doesn't mean I'll do anything to make my statement right even if it's wrong, it means that I want cold hard facts that I'm wrong, before I will say I'm wrong. If you succeed in persuading me to rethink what I've said based on talking alone, then congratulations, you've tested my foundation and found an inadequacy. I will appreciate that with gratitude because I want to be right, I want to be correct.


If I'm not allowed to see it, I won't push to find it. But if insist on playing things beyond my sight one does, it merely shows the one who's being mature, and the one who's acting mature. There's a difference.

~~~~

Sorry but that wasn't the post I wanted to type today.

I'm sorry Ben, but I just can't find it in me to talk to you about my emotional stuff. It's nothing personal so please don't take it personally; I just don't feel that I will get good answers for emotional problems by speaking to men. I'll ask if I need an opinion from a guy, but otherwise... It's for my blog, and the person I talked to to know. And if you can read my blog, then you know I trust you.

Of course this blog public, but there isn't anyone out there who'd randomly decide to keep up on my blog because they know me. After seeing the way I post, most people will run off. Only those who truly care (or truly want to find fault with me) will continue to read.

Which makes me wonder if ECYL is out there reading my posts... Intriguing thought.

And I'm sorry Jun, but it's also hard for me to talk to you regarding my more emotional stuff. It's not that I don't trust you, I do. That's why I still tell you stuff I don't normally tell other people. It's just that... I somehow feel that you're not the person I should be talking to about these kinda things. Besides the fact that you're already heavily laden, as a friend I don't need to give you more to worry about.


I guess... It's an elder sister I've been looking for. I sort of have someone I can talk to right now... But I can only truly express myself when I'm typing/writing. I'm a coward when it comes to my emotional heartbreaks, and it's not easy for me to say them. More often than not, I'll clam up and change the subject.

And about that someone... She's usually not online, so I can't really talk to her much. I also feel guilty for putting stuff on her when she's already got quite a bit to manage herself...

I wish I had a twin sister oh so much... We'd share our problems and be there for each other...



Probably why I've always been in a desperate mood for a girlfriend. I need someone to tell these things to. Only problem now is that I've come off WAY too strongly to the girl I've ever been nervous with, and I've already had 7. I don't need a bigger resume.

And also... I need someone for me to shower love on... I'd shower all that on my sister, but she's spoilt and rude enough, so I have to hold back most of it. I don't know how to shower love on my mother... Kinda awkward and hard for me to do (I really really don't know why...).

So where does that leave me? With no one.



At the moment though, I'm waiting to splurge some on her and her close friend. I owe her friend a favour, so she decided that I should go on karaoke with her, and she'd bring her along cuz well.. she doesn't know me all too well yet. I wanna splurge on them for dinner and karaoke... But it's probably gonna come off too strongly again.

I seriously suck bad when I'm around her. Everything just goes blank. Only when I focus on being serious can I function normally (if my serious mode is normal for me that is). Otherwise... No. No damnit, I can't. I suck bad.

And that's weak. I'm weak whenever I'm around her. I lose my cool, I come up with the most lamous reasonings and one-liners that I feel like kicking my self all the time whenever I try to give her a smart answer.

Blagh.




God...

Please forgive me.

And bless my blogreaders. If you're reading my blog, you're special to me.

Goodnight.